Still here

I haven't posted in a while. There is so much to say, yet I can't seem to articulate it. Call it hormones, sleep deprivation or just raw grief. I'm here. Happy. Sad. At times, unable to catch my breath. Unable to accept at times, this...my story. Why????

The eternal question. WHY????

Could I have done something to catch it on time? Did he have pain as he was dying in my womb. Did he know how much I loved him? I miss him so much. I see his face in Lauren's face. The resemblance, at times comforting, other times agonizing. I'm happy she's a girl, and still I see him in her. At times, my mind plays games on me, I see her and I feel him. Crazy. They are so much alike.

Lauren. She is beautiful, sweet and growing so fast. We are all so happy. I am so blessed to have her here, alive and well.

I get a call the other day, one of the doctors I work with wanted to ask a favor of me. She asks me if she can give my information to one of her friends. She delivered her baby girl, born still that day. 38 weeks gestation, another damn cord accident. It angers me, why? Why does it keep happening. Babies born still, I hate it.

Pictorial post

Finally figured out how to post pictures!!!!

I'm here, it's been a while since I've posted. There is so much to share, yet I can't seem to find the time to do so.

We are all well. We are loving parenting Lauren. She is adorable, easy going and so freaking cute. OK, I know I'm a bit biased but she is.

Here is a picture of me, at 35 weeks pregnant. A week before her birth. I wanted to take prenatal photographs with Ethan but I never had the chance. Looking at this photograph is bittersweet, I remember being pregnant with Ethan and Lauren. I miss those times, being pregnant, and then I think to myself, "What is wrong with you? You were a mess? Always wondering whether this baby would be born alive" But, I do, I miss it. I miss being pregnant. I miss having her and of course, him inside of me.

I try not to think about the sad memories, but it is impossible. I now realize that life is intertwined with death. And more so, with us, deadbabymamas whom have had subsequent pregnancies. I will have to write more about this later. In the meantime, I will leave you all with a picture of Jason and Lauren. She was 4 weeks old here.

Our baby has arrived :)

Lauren Daniella entered our world July 11th at 1151. She weighed 6 lbs. 13 oz and is 18.5 inches long. Labor went well. Epidurals are the absolute best. She is so beautiful and we feel so blessed. Little Jason is so happy and I'm sure her brother Ethan is also smiling down on us :)

Thank you all for all of your support during the last few days of my pregnancy. There were some days that I had no clue how to survive. Thank you again.

Will post pictures relatively soon.

Much love to all of you.

While cementing our induction date...

Yes, as we were there with the nurse, she was writing us into the Friday induction schedule, I happened to look at the name next to ours. Yes, I'm nosy, but in my defense she was a slow writer and it gave me plenty of time to glance at the schedule book. Anyway, I looked at the name next to ours and there was a name of a patient. Under her history section, it read "Stillborn at 38 weeks", that's it. She will also be there Friday evening to begin her labor induction.

I am amazed and shocked and saddened by how often this happens. WHY??? I hate it. It made me think how much we are more similar to one another than not. Everyone knows of someone who has suffered the loss of a child due to stillbirth. I HATE IT!!!!

In the meantime, I will be praying and hoping for all of us mothers who have once again (thankfully) are pregnant and ready to deliver. May WE all have safe and healthy deliveries. Thinking of all of you. And wishing everyone strength and peace.

Amnio, contractions, etc...

Well, I'm home now. After spending all day at the hospital, I am finally home. Nope the lungs were not mature yet. Apparently, my gestational diabetes has affected my little girl lungs. Arggg. So, we were there ALL day, my OB and MFM went back and forth and finally came to the decision to induce me Friday evening. Today and the next 3 days, the risk for developing respiratory distress syndrome is 10% and neither of them felt comfortable inducing me just yet.

The amnio was very, very painful. Now I know what a contraction feels like. OUCH!!! It was difficult to obtain because her head was wedged in my pelvis and she couldn't find any other pockets of fluid. I'm glad that's over. It hurt like hell, but at least I know now that we should be relatively safe for delivery Saturday.

Amazingly, I feel quite comfortable with this. Perhaps it's my background, Peds emergency room nurse, I know what RDS looks like and all that it can entail. I don't want to see my little girl on a ventilator or any other assisted breathing device. I want her well and alive, I want to hold her in my arms once she is born, not whisked away to the NICU and poked and prodded. But, then on the flip side, the thought is there. Lingering. What if something happens in the next couple days until Friday. It's a no win situation. I just hope we've all made the right decision.

Quote of the day

I read this on another blogger's blog http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/ , I'm going to borrow it Niki. Thanks.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles; it empties today of it's strengths"

I know I need to repeat this to myself over and over again. I'm a worried hot mess. I have been checking her heartbeat all day today. I am so scared, so scared of being this close and BAM something happens. This crap happens everyday. I am poking and prodding at her, I was on the verge of calling my OB and begging for her to take the baby early. 5 more days. I have to remember this, only 5 more days. BUT, I am freaking out. I don't want to lose her. Then I worry about it being a holiday weekend. See when Ethan died last year it was right before Memorial Day. I have this thing about holiday weekends. I know, I'm losing it. Can time just fly by, please. I want it to be Tuesday July 7th already. I want a guarantee that she will still be alive. Oh God, please help me!