35 weeks 1 day

I've come this far. I am so ready to hold my baby girl in my arms. There are times when I let myself go there, to the possibility that she will come into my arms, breathing and alive.

Here is the plan per my OB, amnio next week Tuesday to assess lung maturity. If lungs are mature, induce the next day. One more week, I can't wait. I hope her lungs are mature. Although, I do enjoy feeling her kicks and movements inside my womb, I am ready to meet her.

Also, her lovely head is now resting in my pelvis and boy does that hurt. When I walk I feel the pressure of her in my pelvis, I feel my round ligaments stretching and let me tell you, it's no walk in the park. I was checked on Friday, and yes I'm already dilated 1 cm, but my cervix is long, not effaced at all. She said she wouldn't mind if I went into labor on my own. She's not the only one.

I've also become quite sensitive these past couple weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat. And the fatigue, it's come back with a vengeance. I just have one more day of work, of course after today and then I'm officially on FMLA.

Uggg, I want this week to fly by, I want my baby girl here. I can't wait, then I think of all the things that might go wrong. And I begin to tremble in fear. I don't want to go there, but I know it can happen. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind at times. How have you guys done it, the deadbabymamas, during a subsequent pregnancy. How do you hold it together?

Dream

I'm in a South American jungle, riding in a jeep or something similar. We get a flat tire. We pull up next to a bus station waiting area, I get out of the car. My OB Dr. J and Russell Crowe are there. I lay in the bus stop waiting area, I ask my sister to cover it up with blankets. I lay down on the bench, I'm in labor. But, it doesn't hurt. I reach down, in between my legs, I feel the moist, soft, pliable skull of my baby girl. I push as much as I can, and there she is. Alive, breathing, slick. I am caressing her, drying her off. She is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful and she's alive. I wipe the blood off her, I can see her cord, no knot. She's in my arms. She looks just like I imagined her to look. I'm so happy, ecstatic actually. The feeling of her weight in my arms is magical.

I wake up, it was a dream.

32 weeks, 1 day

Yes, I've made it to the elusive date. And she's still alive, so far. Ethan died at exactly 32 weeks. I woke up and didn't realize, but by 32 weeks, 1 day he was dead.

This morning, I woke up and listened to her heartbeat. It was there...exhale. I don't know what I was expecting, but she's alive. Thank God, I have a NST today at 9:30am. It's reassuring. I love listening to her heartbeat. Although at times, it's difficult to differentiate hers from mine. Lately, my heart is beating so fast, it can easily be mistaken for a fetal heart rate.

She's moving and kicking right now. I love her, keep on moving is my mantra these days. I am now having NSTs twice a week and a weekly biophysical profile every Wednesday. Does it help, yes somewhat. But, I just want her here, alive and breathing.