Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve

Good bye 2008. What a year, I remember last NYE, I was pregnant, over the 12 week safety mark. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of our baby.

Yet, even though Ethan was born still, I say good bye to 2008 with a heavy heart. 2008 was supposed to be our year, our year to welcome our baby. Jason was finally going to be a big brother. In ways I can't articulate well enough, I am sad today. I feel as though time is passing by and leaving my baby Ethan behind. Sometimes, I just want to go back to May 23rd 2008. To the day he was born. Because even if he wasn't breathing, I had him in my arms. I remember that day as being the saddest day and happiest day of my life. I finally got to meet my baby Ethan. I marveled at his beautiful face. His tiny ears folded over, just like my nephew Vinnie. And here we are saying goodbye to 2008 and it feels as if though we are in a sense saying goodbye to Ethan. But, I know in my heart, I will never ever be able to let go of my Ethan.

I wish all of you a peaceful entry to 2009. May we all have peace in our hearts tonight. Be safe. You are all always in my thoughts. Every time I hear one of your baby's names, I think of you all. Peace be with all of you tonight.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Third pregnancy

I've been pondering this for a while. This is my third pregnancy, yes I was pregnant before back in 1994. I didn't know it at the time, I was in college and just remember having very sore breasts. I sorta thought, maybe, but I already knew I had PCOS. Then one night, while we were getting ready to go out with our friends, I had my now husband, take me to the ER. The pain was intolerable, excruciating. I remember thinking, if this is what labor feels like I don't want to ever have a baby. I thought I was just having one of my really heavy periods and very bad cramps. Actually, I was having a miscarriage.

Hours later, I finally had pain relief. The "products of conception" had been expelled. The pain was gone, and I hate to say this, I was relieved. I was too young back then to have a baby. I thought "it's for the best".

I remember the ER doctor telling me, that it was a good sign that I was able to get pregnant on my own with my PCOS history and that miscarriages were common and most women went on to have normal subsequent pregnancies. But, since then I've often thought of my baby. Was it a boy or girl? Was there a chromosome problem? Of course, I don't think they even tested my baby. But, I wonder. I could have a 14 year old now.

Here I am now, pregnant for the third time and I wonder will I have a baby at the end of this journey? Will it end with a live baby? I hate that I've had 2 previous pregnancies and no living baby at the end of those pregnancies.

Ethan, I miss you more than ever. I wish you were here with us. You're brother has been asking about you quite a bit lately. I know he wishes you were here to celebrate your first Christmas.

We love you!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Neonatal Resuscitation Program

Thursday I took a class, the NRP, at the women's hospital near where I work. It was one of the hardest classes, not the material, I've been an ED nurse, for some time now. But, the whole thing. Being in a classroom right next to the NICU. Knowing that some babies are in there and are fighting for their lives, thinking of how many babies have died in that NICU. Thinking of their parents, their grief, their loss.

Well, I passed but not with flying colors. I was there as a deadbabymama and not an experienced pediatric ED nurse. I couldn't think, my mind was foggy, I was hit with a large dose of grief, right there during my class. We watched a video going over the main points of NRP, and they talked about end of life care. I wanted to vomit. I could feel myself holding back my tears. This was just too close to home. I've been on the receiving end of that care. I've had the bereavement nurse and chaplain at my bedside. Back in May, the bereavement nurse held my hand and told me what to expect. Because, I was there, pregnant with my deadbaby. I was being induced to deliver my deadbaby. I had no freaking clue what to expect. I had never delivered a baby before, and the event I had been anticipating for months was there, too soon and I was totally unprepared. I had no fucking clue on what was to happen.

Fast forward, the video is over. Now we've moved on to the simulated baby in the NICU. I see them there, the ossilators, the ventilators, the incubators. I almost walked out, luckily the room we were in was separated from the NICU with a partition. We are now being evaluated, we will be given a scenario. It's my turn, my scenario, a full term baby delivered via C section. Mother was at OB's office and no heart beat was heard, she had an emergency C section. I almost couldn't catch my breath, this could've been me. Only my baby didn't have a chance, he was already dead when we had the ultrasound. He died during the night.

Like I said before, I passed but barely. Then there was the written test, one of the questions was how long would you "code" a baby with no heart beat after an emergent C section.
A. 20 minutes
B. 10 minutes
C. 30 minutes
D. 60 minutes

My answer was C. 30 minutes. I was wrong. The correct answer was B. 10 minutes
My brain knows this, but my heart, the heart of a deadbabymama says 30 minutes.

Now, that I've taken this re certification class, I'm good until 2010. And by the way, I almost did vomit, I was going through the motions, drying off my 34 week plastic baby, and I gagged right there. I told the instructor, I had not ate breakfast and had a drink of Coke on an empty stomach. Partly true, the real truth was my grief was ever so consuming.

Friday, December 12, 2008

There is a heartbeat....sigh

Yes, the heartbeat was there, tiny, but there. Beating away at 120.6 bpm. At first, I couldn't see it. I saw a black hole, it appeared to have nothing in it. My doctor was quiet, I asked is there something there. Then the nurse pointed out the heart, flickering away. Ahhh, a loud sigh came out.

The CRL measurement is 4.7 mm. My cervix looked good. And yes, my left ovary was huge. No wonder, I've been having twinges of pain.

He actually gave me a due date of Aug. 6. I can't even think that far in advance. Will I make it. I pray that I do, that my baby does. PLEASE!

I have one more appointment with him, my exit appointment, then I will move on to my OB and the MFM doctor. And now I'll be taking Lovenox instead of Heparin. Go figure. I don't really care as long as everything turns out OK.

Thanks for ALL of your well wishes and support!

Monday, December 8, 2008


Yesterday, we had a lazy Sunday. I took a long nap, and while I was napping I had a dream. I was in my RE's office for my viability ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Then I was transported back to May 21st, I was in my OB's office and it was happening again. NO HEARTBEAT! I woke up in a panic, in a sweat. I told my husband I'm terrified of having an ultrasound. I'm terrified of not finding a heartbeat.

I had many ultrasounds during my IUI and injectible cycle. Heck, I had them every other day. But, they were safe ultrasounds, looking at my ovaries, looking at my follicles. Not looking for a heartbeat. I'm terrified.

I'm trying to imagine it, walk through the steps in my mind. Then I tell myself if there is no heartbeat, it could still be fine, it just might be too early. Gosh, will I survive this pregnancy? Is it still a pregnancy?

I'm freaking out. Even at work, at times when I pass by the ultrasound rooms I get chills, I have to look away. I think of how I was there on the table, looking at the screen and I couldn't see the heart rate thingy work on the ultrasound machine. I knew then, Ethan had died.

I remember last time with Ethan, we told the key people in our lives that I was pregnant. I think I was barely 5 weeks. Pretty cocky of me, don't you think? I was so naive. I was so sure we would have a baby. And boy was I wrong.

It's Monday, we have our ultrasound Friday. In the meantime, I think I will try to clean the house and even go the gym. The gym helps clear my mind, it centers me. But, wait I really can't run or anything. Well, I will stroll on the treadmill. I need to distract my mind and maybe I need to get a therapist for my ultrasound phobia. I think I'm losing it.