Monday, December 8, 2008


Yesterday, we had a lazy Sunday. I took a long nap, and while I was napping I had a dream. I was in my RE's office for my viability ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Then I was transported back to May 21st, I was in my OB's office and it was happening again. NO HEARTBEAT! I woke up in a panic, in a sweat. I told my husband I'm terrified of having an ultrasound. I'm terrified of not finding a heartbeat.

I had many ultrasounds during my IUI and injectible cycle. Heck, I had them every other day. But, they were safe ultrasounds, looking at my ovaries, looking at my follicles. Not looking for a heartbeat. I'm terrified.

I'm trying to imagine it, walk through the steps in my mind. Then I tell myself if there is no heartbeat, it could still be fine, it just might be too early. Gosh, will I survive this pregnancy? Is it still a pregnancy?

I'm freaking out. Even at work, at times when I pass by the ultrasound rooms I get chills, I have to look away. I think of how I was there on the table, looking at the screen and I couldn't see the heart rate thingy work on the ultrasound machine. I knew then, Ethan had died.

I remember last time with Ethan, we told the key people in our lives that I was pregnant. I think I was barely 5 weeks. Pretty cocky of me, don't you think? I was so naive. I was so sure we would have a baby. And boy was I wrong.

It's Monday, we have our ultrasound Friday. In the meantime, I think I will try to clean the house and even go the gym. The gym helps clear my mind, it centers me. But, wait I really can't run or anything. Well, I will stroll on the treadmill. I need to distract my mind and maybe I need to get a therapist for my ultrasound phobia. I think I'm losing it.


Anonymous said...

Not there yet, but seems totally understandable given what we all experienced. Sending you strength,

Ya Chun said...

sounds like ptsd to me.
counsel can't hurt. Can you find one that specializes in reproductive issues? That is who we went to after Serenity died - many clients with fertility issues, pregnancy losses. Kinda helps if they are familiar with our certain idiosyncrasies.

stay strong

Andrea said...

Hang in there. I know it's scary. I'd feel the same way if I were you. Think good thoughts! Maybe some positive visualizations? I know it sounds kooky, but maybe it might make you feel better?

Monica H said...

It's so easy to panic and freak out and think the worst. When your baby dies, so does your innocence.

I hope and pray that Friday's ultrasound proves your dream/nightmare wrong. Along with Monique, I send you the strength you need to get through this.

Lisa DG said...

It is ok to be losing it. Of course you are scared. Your fear will not hurt the baby- but it can hurt you. Easier said than done but try to enjoy this- it is your time. It is your turn to be happy.

janis said...

Oh, this sucks. :(
((hugs)) hang in there!!