Last week while eating lunch with Jason and Lauren, I got a glimpse of Jason's ongoing grief. We were all sitting down, when suddenly Lauren decided to get out of her seat. Yeah, she's a big girl now and wants nothing to do with her high chair, or plastic forks and spoons or anything "baby". Anyway, she suddenly jumps out of her chair, doesn't listen to either Jason or me telling her to finish lunch. We are trying to instill in her to stay in her seat. Which of course is an impossible task for a 2 year old to master. In the meantime, Lauren is giving us her big smile and disregarding any instruction to remain seated. Jason and I were trying not to laugh, but it's very hard not to do so. Defeated, we burst out laughing and begin to hug her and kiss her. Then suddenly, Jason's laughter became cries, sobs, raw grief. I asked him what was wrong and he responded, "I miss Ethan".
Heartwrenching. Watching his grief, ugggh it's a double whammy. I hurt because he's hurting. I want to take it away. But, I know he will also always miss Ethan and he has his own grief journey that he also has to maneuver. There are times, when I only think about my grief, my pain, my hurt that I forget he was a 5 year old little boy that was eager to finally have a baby brother. He was so excited to have his little brother arrive in early July. And his world was also shattered on May 21st when we found out our baby had died. He also has a part of him that is missing, and his name is Ethan.
As hard as it was to witness his pain, it was also reassuring to know that I'm not the only one that misses him. We all miss him, my parents, my siblings, my nieces so many people. He was only here 32 weeks but left an impression on so many people, his tiny footprints definitely left imprints in our hearts. And I will continue to talk about him and bring him up as much as I can, because even though he is not physically here, he will always be a part of our lives. Even Lauren, will point to his picture on our dresser and say, "Ethan". I love it.
Ethan, we love and miss you so much my little pumpkin. Your big brother, misses you so much. We love you Ethan!