Monday, October 26, 2009

Still here

I haven't posted in a while. There is so much to say, yet I can't seem to articulate it. Call it hormones, sleep deprivation or just raw grief. I'm here. Happy. Sad. At times, unable to catch my breath. Unable to accept at times, story. Why????

The eternal question. WHY????

Could I have done something to catch it on time? Did he have pain as he was dying in my womb. Did he know how much I loved him? I miss him so much. I see his face in Lauren's face. The resemblance, at times comforting, other times agonizing. I'm happy she's a girl, and still I see him in her. At times, my mind plays games on me, I see her and I feel him. Crazy. They are so much alike.

Lauren. She is beautiful, sweet and growing so fast. We are all so happy. I am so blessed to have her here, alive and well.

I get a call the other day, one of the doctors I work with wanted to ask a favor of me. She asks me if she can give my information to one of her friends. She delivered her baby girl, born still that day. 38 weeks gestation, another damn cord accident. It angers me, why? Why does it keep happening. Babies born still, I hate it.


CLC said...

I will never stop asking why. I hate it too that it keeps on happening. It's heartbreaking to think of someone else endure this agony.

Ya Chun said...

the why is so difficult.

glad that baby girl is keeping you on your toes!

Monica H said...

It's the question "why?" that haunts us yet never gets answered.

Hang in there.

Lisa DG said...

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry about the grief that never really goes away. I know that grief.

I'm thinking about you. Take care.

mrsmuelly said...

That is a question that will never get answered...and yet, I will continually ask it as well.

I understand being grateful for a girl and somehow still seeing the boy (or boys) in her. Sometimes it's agonizing and others it's comforting. I think the look alike portion will get easier as she gets older, but I'm sure the comparison will always be there.

So glad that Lauren is here and keeping you sleep deprived!

I want to be you. said...

i am here to pollute your mind with information that is not relevant to your personal ability to adapt to the conditions which are available for you to have the prosperity you can share with the life around you without suffering projectvisitor. I want to mix the wheel of buddhist terms poster art of war flashcard deck MS onenote,,, sociology, the 48 laws of power, all academic databases, + smartphone application, augmented reality, + GTD flowchart with permaculture logistics of sustainability, take TWoBT poster to have it scanned into a file + blow it up into a wall mural by /planet/a-living-built-environment software engineers of permaculture logistics, which has nothing to do with the flowchart wall mural, that she doesn't know how to build because she can't write the projector display software try looking through the lists created by the people i follow (you will need an account to look)

Lisa DG said...

Just checking back in with you, hoping that life is keeping you busy with your precious daughter.

May 2010 be filled with joy and happiness, knowing the sadness and memories of your son will always be part of who you are.

Momza said...

Hi there...I have just stumbled upon your blog tonight and wanted to extend my sympathies too. I'm a Midwife...just this past week, as we were examining a client, we discovered that the baby had no heartbeat. We could see that beautiful little one on the ultrasound, but no heartbeat. I wrote a post
it's not that what I wrote was so awesome, but the comments that I direct you to, that may help your tender heart. Blessings to you. Your daughter and son are beautiful.