While cementing our induction date...

Yes, as we were there with the nurse, she was writing us into the Friday induction schedule, I happened to look at the name next to ours. Yes, I'm nosy, but in my defense she was a slow writer and it gave me plenty of time to glance at the schedule book. Anyway, I looked at the name next to ours and there was a name of a patient. Under her history section, it read "Stillborn at 38 weeks", that's it. She will also be there Friday evening to begin her labor induction.

I am amazed and shocked and saddened by how often this happens. WHY??? I hate it. It made me think how much we are more similar to one another than not. Everyone knows of someone who has suffered the loss of a child due to stillbirth. I HATE IT!!!!

In the meantime, I will be praying and hoping for all of us mothers who have once again (thankfully) are pregnant and ready to deliver. May WE all have safe and healthy deliveries. Thinking of all of you. And wishing everyone strength and peace.

Amnio, contractions, etc...

Well, I'm home now. After spending all day at the hospital, I am finally home. Nope the lungs were not mature yet. Apparently, my gestational diabetes has affected my little girl lungs. Arggg. So, we were there ALL day, my OB and MFM went back and forth and finally came to the decision to induce me Friday evening. Today and the next 3 days, the risk for developing respiratory distress syndrome is 10% and neither of them felt comfortable inducing me just yet.

The amnio was very, very painful. Now I know what a contraction feels like. OUCH!!! It was difficult to obtain because her head was wedged in my pelvis and she couldn't find any other pockets of fluid. I'm glad that's over. It hurt like hell, but at least I know now that we should be relatively safe for delivery Saturday.

Amazingly, I feel quite comfortable with this. Perhaps it's my background, Peds emergency room nurse, I know what RDS looks like and all that it can entail. I don't want to see my little girl on a ventilator or any other assisted breathing device. I want her well and alive, I want to hold her in my arms once she is born, not whisked away to the NICU and poked and prodded. But, then on the flip side, the thought is there. Lingering. What if something happens in the next couple days until Friday. It's a no win situation. I just hope we've all made the right decision.

Quote of the day

I read this on another blogger's blog http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/ , I'm going to borrow it Niki. Thanks.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles; it empties today of it's strengths"

I know I need to repeat this to myself over and over again. I'm a worried hot mess. I have been checking her heartbeat all day today. I am so scared, so scared of being this close and BAM something happens. This crap happens everyday. I am poking and prodding at her, I was on the verge of calling my OB and begging for her to take the baby early. 5 more days. I have to remember this, only 5 more days. BUT, I am freaking out. I don't want to lose her. Then I worry about it being a holiday weekend. See when Ethan died last year it was right before Memorial Day. I have this thing about holiday weekends. I know, I'm losing it. Can time just fly by, please. I want it to be Tuesday July 7th already. I want a guarantee that she will still be alive. Oh God, please help me!

Curve Ball #1

Yes, I'm anticipating more of these. I just came back from my MFM appt. had my final BPP and growth ultrasound. And guess what? My baby girl, with lots of hair, has decided to flip into a breech position. Complete breech. Not transverse, head is up by my ribs.

I knew something was different yesterday. I woke up and was able to walk without the round ligament pain, the pelvic pressure, all in all I was feeling great. I called and told my husband I thought she was breech because the pelvic pressure was gone. Then I felt something in my ribs and thought, well maybe she isn't.

Well, she is breech. One week away from scheduled induction. Oh well, if I have to have a C section, I'm OK with that. I just want her alive and well.

Oh and her estimated weight, 6 lbs 10 oz, 77th percentile. Wow! She's pretty big isn't she for 35 weeks 3days.

I'll keep all of you posted.

35 weeks 1 day

I've come this far. I am so ready to hold my baby girl in my arms. There are times when I let myself go there, to the possibility that she will come into my arms, breathing and alive.

Here is the plan per my OB, amnio next week Tuesday to assess lung maturity. If lungs are mature, induce the next day. One more week, I can't wait. I hope her lungs are mature. Although, I do enjoy feeling her kicks and movements inside my womb, I am ready to meet her.

Also, her lovely head is now resting in my pelvis and boy does that hurt. When I walk I feel the pressure of her in my pelvis, I feel my round ligaments stretching and let me tell you, it's no walk in the park. I was checked on Friday, and yes I'm already dilated 1 cm, but my cervix is long, not effaced at all. She said she wouldn't mind if I went into labor on my own. She's not the only one.

I've also become quite sensitive these past couple weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat. And the fatigue, it's come back with a vengeance. I just have one more day of work, of course after today and then I'm officially on FMLA.

Uggg, I want this week to fly by, I want my baby girl here. I can't wait, then I think of all the things that might go wrong. And I begin to tremble in fear. I don't want to go there, but I know it can happen. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind at times. How have you guys done it, the deadbabymamas, during a subsequent pregnancy. How do you hold it together?

Dream

I'm in a South American jungle, riding in a jeep or something similar. We get a flat tire. We pull up next to a bus station waiting area, I get out of the car. My OB Dr. J and Russell Crowe are there. I lay in the bus stop waiting area, I ask my sister to cover it up with blankets. I lay down on the bench, I'm in labor. But, it doesn't hurt. I reach down, in between my legs, I feel the moist, soft, pliable skull of my baby girl. I push as much as I can, and there she is. Alive, breathing, slick. I am caressing her, drying her off. She is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful and she's alive. I wipe the blood off her, I can see her cord, no knot. She's in my arms. She looks just like I imagined her to look. I'm so happy, ecstatic actually. The feeling of her weight in my arms is magical.

I wake up, it was a dream.

32 weeks, 1 day

Yes, I've made it to the elusive date. And she's still alive, so far. Ethan died at exactly 32 weeks. I woke up and didn't realize, but by 32 weeks, 1 day he was dead.

This morning, I woke up and listened to her heartbeat. It was there...exhale. I don't know what I was expecting, but she's alive. Thank God, I have a NST today at 9:30am. It's reassuring. I love listening to her heartbeat. Although at times, it's difficult to differentiate hers from mine. Lately, my heart is beating so fast, it can easily be mistaken for a fetal heart rate.

She's moving and kicking right now. I love her, keep on moving is my mantra these days. I am now having NSTs twice a week and a weekly biophysical profile every Wednesday. Does it help, yes somewhat. But, I just want her here, alive and breathing.