Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Infertility, injections, ultrasounds, blood work, etc...


We went and met with the MFM doctor. The genetic counselor was great. Very attentive, caring and most importantly she listened. The doctor was good. She was patient and answered all of my questions about a subsequent pregnancy.

There is just one thing, she said it was a "fluke" accident and highly unlikely to happen again. Strike one.

Then she referred to Ethan's death as "fetal demise". I quickly corrected her and stated his name was ETHAN. Strike two. I know the medical term is accurate. But, to a grieving Mom this medical term is very impersonal, and sterile. My son would've had a great chance for survival if he would've been born alive. He was a fully formed baby.

There is no strike three. So, we'll see what happens and will decide whether to consult with her if and when I become pregnant (fingers crossed).

This takes me to my second update. Yes, we have begun the fertility treatments again. I am currently on CD 9. I had my ultrasound yesterday and I had 4 follicles. So, my RE has increased my dose to 150 IU of Menopur. I hope they grow. I remember with Ethan I only had 1 mature follicle and that turned out to be my beautiful baby boy. So, I was a bit down because 4 follies is not very good and also my E2 was only 74. Up from 24 on CD 3. I have to remember all I need is 1 follicle. I hope this works. Please keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us. We return Thursday to see how my follies and lining are doing.

I was also informed by my fertility doctor that I will have to be on heparin if I get pregnant. Apparently, I have lupus anticoagulant present. This puts me at a higher risk for clotting. I also have one copy of the MTFHR gene mutation. I'm OK with this, I would rather know this now than later. I will do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy pregnancy and at the end hold a living baby in my arms. More shots, sure bring them on.

Also, I am not telling anyone about our TTC journey this time. I want to keep it to myself. I'm not sure I want other's to think I've "gotten over it". Some people at work think as soon as I have or begin trying that I'm all better. I'm not, I miss my baby more than ever. I will never be over it, and even if I have 10 more babies after Ethan it will never replace him. I will always be a Mommy to a baby boy that died. I don't cry as easily anymore. I've noticed I try to control it a bit more. Actually, I can control it. Especially at work. But, also this TTC journey is harder, there are times I don't even know if I can go through this again.

And finally, we had a wonderful time in California. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect. Disney and Universal Studios were great. And of course, we went to the beach. We were in Malibu and we actually saw a couple pairs of dolphins swimming pretty close to the shoreline. It was beautiful. I will post some pictures, if I figure out how to do it. And Jason picked up some rocks for Ethan. He started this right after Ethan died. He will collect rocks and write Ethan's name on it and take it to his grave. We have a whole vase filled with rocks and messages for Ethan. At one point he said, "Mommy, Ethan would've had fun with us if he were here".

Missing you Always, Ethan. We love you!


c. said...

You're right, there is nothing to get over. I want to tell people that my dead son is as important as my live children and he doesn't deserve to be ignored or forgotten or swept under the rug just because it's not a "nice" topic. I think people are more inclined to do this when you let them know you're trying again. I won't ever give them that opportunity, they are not going to disregard my son that easily.

Two strikes indeed for the genetic counsellor. Maybe you could counsel her on what NOT to say to db parents.

Hoping you find yourself pregnant again soon, and thinking of Ethan all the while.

Ya Chun said...

I will never understand how a baby lost in pregnancy is considered 'replaceable' by another pregnancy.

Just take your time and be private- they'll figure it out around 4 months or so!

My moods are more even now too, but I am still missing my daughter.

wishing you strength.

janis said...

((hugs)) to you, and thinking good thoughts for you.

Monica H said...

I will pray for a peaceful journey for you. And you're right, it doesn't matter how many children or pregnancies you may have, you'll always miss Ethan. I'm glad you corrected the dr. about that. They can be so insensitive about that. If anyone should believe that they were real babies, it should be them. We shouldn't have to educate our doctors on how to behave when a still birth occurs- ugh!

How very thoughtful of Jason. I'd love to see his vase of rocks with Ethan's name on them. I hope it keeps growing and one day you can fill your garden with them. What a beautiful thought.

Cara said...

Ethan - what a beautiful name. It was on my list and it still rings a chord in my heart when I hear it. I didn't have any boys.

You are so right to keep the medical staff enligtened as to your frame of mind.

I'll look forward to the day when I read you are pregnant again, but will always sigh deeply when I hear the name Ethan, your sweet boy.

Please Click over and add Ethan to the wall if you would like to:



Amy said...

Indeed Ethan would have had fun if he were here.

I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. The doctors can be so cruel. They just don't get that whole medical terminology thing. It doesn't work for us!

No, you will never get over Ethan, you will however get thru it with the help of friends, family, bloggers, etc. He will always be a part of your life and now mine for having read this.

Praying that you get your wishes of a pregnancy. Wishing you much peace along this journey.