We went and met with the MFM doctor. The genetic counselor was great. Very attentive, caring and most importantly she listened. The doctor was good. She was patient and answered all of my questions about a subsequent pregnancy.
There is just one thing, she said it was a "fluke" accident and highly unlikely to happen again. Strike one.
Then she referred to Ethan's death as "fetal demise". I quickly corrected her and stated his name was ETHAN. Strike two. I know the medical term is accurate. But, to a grieving Mom this medical term is very impersonal, and sterile. My son would've had a great chance for survival if he would've been born alive. He was a fully formed baby.
There is no strike three. So, we'll see what happens and will decide whether to consult with her if and when I become pregnant (fingers crossed).
This takes me to my second update. Yes, we have begun the fertility treatments again. I am currently on CD 9. I had my ultrasound yesterday and I had 4 follicles. So, my RE has increased my dose to 150 IU of Menopur. I hope they grow. I remember with Ethan I only had 1 mature follicle and that turned out to be my beautiful baby boy. So, I was a bit down because 4 follies is not very good and also my E2 was only 74. Up from 24 on CD 3. I have to remember all I need is 1 follicle. I hope this works. Please keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us. We return Thursday to see how my follies and lining are doing.
I was also informed by my fertility doctor that I will have to be on heparin if I get pregnant. Apparently, I have lupus anticoagulant present. This puts me at a higher risk for clotting. I also have one copy of the MTFHR gene mutation. I'm OK with this, I would rather know this now than later. I will do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy pregnancy and at the end hold a living baby in my arms. More shots, sure bring them on.
Also, I am not telling anyone about our TTC journey this time. I want to keep it to myself. I'm not sure I want other's to think I've "gotten over it". Some people at work think as soon as I have or begin trying that I'm all better. I'm not, I miss my baby more than ever. I will never be over it, and even if I have 10 more babies after Ethan it will never replace him. I will always be a Mommy to a baby boy that died. I don't cry as easily anymore. I've noticed I try to control it a bit more. Actually, I can control it. Especially at work. But, also this TTC journey is harder, there are times I don't even know if I can go through this again.
And finally, we had a wonderful time in California. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect. Disney and Universal Studios were great. And of course, we went to the beach. We were in Malibu and we actually saw a couple pairs of dolphins swimming pretty close to the shoreline. It was beautiful. I will post some pictures, if I figure out how to do it. And Jason picked up some rocks for Ethan. He started this right after Ethan died. He will collect rocks and write Ethan's name on it and take it to his grave. We have a whole vase filled with rocks and messages for Ethan. At one point he said, "Mommy, Ethan would've had fun with us if he were here".
Missing you Always, Ethan. We love you!