There is something about fall, the leaves changing colors, falling onto the ground, cool fall winds...all of it, remind me of Ethan. It reminds me of the giddiness I had back during the fall of 2007 when my baby was conceived, then 2008 rolled around, and I welcomed the fall, I was tired of the summer weather, the never ending sunlight. I wanted the colder weather, it matched what I felt inside. I thought maybe a change of season would end the hell I had just entered, the hell of grief after losing my baby. But, it didn't. And now, fall makes me yearn for my baby, I miss him so much. I wish he were here, I miss him so much.
Last night, I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a line that I can really relate to, Meredith was talking about a tragedy they've all endured and the reaction of one of the other characters and she says something along the lines of, "She's not crazy. Sure a crazy thing happened to her, but her reaction was pretty normal..." So true. I think many times, even now, some of my "friends" think I'm crazy or even cringe when I talk about my son and how much I miss him. I'm not crazy, mourning is a normal reaction to death and there is no expiration date on mourning. It has been over 2 years and I am still in mourning over the death of Ethan. I will always mourn him. He was my baby, and will always be my baby. I am his mother and will continue to "parent" him, even if he is not physically present. He lives in my heart. My parenting now consists of keeping up with this blog, tending to his grave, mentioning his name, saying I have THREE children, and it will continue until the day I die.