Thursday, May 20, 2010

2 years ago...

If only I could turn back time, I would go back to this day May 20,2008. Ethan was still alive. We went on a field trip with our son, Jason, who was in Kindergarten at the time. We went to the state fairgrounds, saw different farm animals, a pregnant horse. I was feeling so good. I was pregnant after months of infertility treatments. I was on top of the world. I was glowing, I was so HAPPY. I even remember what I had on, a pair of black maternity capris with a beautiful black, white and red kimono like maternity top. BUT, something was wrong. Only then I didn't even realize it. I had no clue. In hindsight, Ethan wasn't moving as much. I told myself I'm 32 weeks, there is not enough room in there. He's not going to move as much. This now kills me, it haunts me. If only I knew. After our field trip, we went to our OB. It was our first appointment with her. I was seeing a perinotologist up until then. But it was gruelling to see the perinatologist, she was also pregnant and I no longer was seeing her. It would take 4 hours of waiting to see a doctor for a 5 minute appointment. So, I called my OB/GYN to see if she would accept me as a patient. She did, I was ecstatic.

I remember this day so clearly. I saw her nurse first, was taken back promptly. Then sat in a very comfortable leather recliner while she went over my history with me. Then she walked me into the room, where I saw Dr. J. Everybody exclaimed, "You look great, you're glowing!". This I was, I was over the moon. Dr. J examined me, we heard Ethan's heart rate 140. She asked if he was moving, and at that moment I said "YES". Because he did move quite a bit, but not enough that day. I didn't mention it, because I thought everything was fine. BUT, IF ONLY I WOULD'VE SPOKEN UP. I SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING. IT WAS SO STUPID AND DUMB OF ME. I felt reassured after I heard his heartbeat. Dr. J went on to explain that she would not let me go past 39 weeks and would begin NST that Friday. We talked about labor, induction and epidurals. I left the office feeling confident, excited and full of hope. We would soon have a baby boy.

That night, after I put Jason to bed. I looked and marveled at all of the information given to me. Signs and symptoms of labor, what to expect at the upcoming visits, some advertisements of pregnancy photography. Just different handouts my OB's office gave me. I wanted to hold on to that feeling forever, I loved being pregnant. I decided I wanted to take maternity photographs. I wanted to capture the moment.

The thought lingered, he's not moving. Then wham, movement. Lots of movement. I saw my belly moving and twisting. I thought it was cool, and began to look for my camera. I couldn't find it. I called my husband and told him that the baby had finally moved after a very quiet day, we talked about it for a while. I told him, I wish you could see my belly right now. I decided to listen to his heartbeat with my stethoscope. I tried but didn't hear anything. He was moving all over the place, I could see the ripple wave in my belly. I felt confident he was OK, after all he was moving. I went to bed in pure bliss. We were having a baby boy, Ethan would be his name.


janis said...

I am so sorry, sweet mama.
I do so wish the story would have ended differently.
Remembering and missing with you. xoxo

CLC said...

Remembering Ethan with you. I wish it were different too. XOXO.

Travelwahine said...

Thank you Janis and CLC, thank you for your kind words. Thank you for remembering Ethan, it means the world to me.

Hugs to you both xoxo

Andrea said...

Thank you for sharing. I also remember the day I lost my unborn little boy very clearly, too, and found it really helpful to write about it and share my story. I wish you peace.

Lisa DG said...

I also torture myself thinking back to the days and moments before i lost my child. I am so sorry. know that I am thinking about you.

kitaki said...

don't overstress yourself its normal to feel the way you felt how could you have known any better i can relate but my situation was different i was kicked down so stairs for trying to leave my fiancee and he turned into a monster in order to defend myself i fought him off instead of just blocking the baby so we all make those minor mistakes. we know we didn't mean any harm by it and so does the heavens above just feel blessed that you are healty and able bodied

rama said...

Your story was really touching. I don't know what to say. you have done the right thing in at least sharing with everybody. Some things happen in our lives, the reasons remain unknown.
Even I have had experiences which I don't know why they happened. All I know is that we are to go through certain things for our own knowledge and evolement.
I also write in blogspot, and
It was nice meeting you while i was blog hopping. Take care, Rama.