Friday, October 3, 2008

One more time

Well, we've decided to try to conceive once again. My 36th birthday is quickly approaching. We need to do this again. I have to muster all the courage and go forward with another round of injectibles and IUI. We have an appointment with our wonderful RE this coming Monday, Oct. 6. I'm excited and nervous. I will walk into his office and remember the last time I was there, I was pregnant with Ethan. I remember seeing him for the first time there, in that office. I was 6 weeks pregnant and I saw him, my little peanut with a wonderful heart rate of 181. Amazing how I remember every single heart rate reading we ever received.

My RE will be changing offices soon, his practice has really expanded and he's moving to a new location. I wish it was ready so I wouldn't have to go there again. It's very painful.

But, we must go forward with another cycle and have faith that one day I will deliver a LIVE baby. I have to try to do this again, for me, for my husband and for both of my sons living and in heaven. My six year old son is mortified of the thought of me being pregnant again, no we don't discuss this with him.

During the summer, we were getting ready to go the gym and my shirt was a bit tight and he looked at me and asked, "Mommy are you pregnant?", I was shocked to hear him ask this. I replied, "No, I'm not. Do you want Mommy to be pregnant again?" and his answer, "NO! I don't want another baby to die". It broke my heart again. My sweet pumpkin, I don't want another baby to die either. But, most of all I want you to know that not all babies die.

He's wonderful, full of energy and full of questions. Every time we see a pregnant woman he will hold my hand and look at me. I smile and tell him, "Jason, it's fine. Say a little prayer for her and her baby". He's very intuitive.

The plan: BCP this month to suppress the cysts, I have PCOS. I hope to begin the injectibles in November. In the meantime, I'm trying to lose weight and exercise. I did begin exercising in the summer. It was my way of coping. I'd get on the elliptical and cry and cry. I'm sure the people there thought I was nuts. And actually I was, I was crazy with grief.

I also made an appointment with a high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. I'm not using the high risk practice I went to when I was pregnant with Ethan. That's a whole different post. Overall, I'm excited and of course very nervous. I forgot to mention, if we do manage to get a BFP we plan on consulting with Dr. Jason Collins in Louisiana. He has studied umbilical cord accidents. I spoke with another Mom who went to him and she swears by his practice. I'd be interested to know, anybody else out there that has went to him?


Ya Chun said...

Good luck getting that BFP.

I had looked into Collins. I heard it's like $6ooo and no insurance.

It seems like he monitors you for like an hour every night. I thought that maybe a home dopplar and kick counts (religiously charted) might be close enough and within our budget. I did find a site that sells dopplars that have digital readings for the heartbeat.

Also, ask you MFM about weekly nonstress tests, even biweekly.

I think it was Collins' site that also says alot of cord accidents happen at night. I plan to look into this more and possibly sleep reclined at the end of the pregnancy...

Ya Chun said...

oh, and can't they do a late u/s that can look for knots in the cord?

I was never offered a nonstress test not a third (late) u/s. I read that an u/s can be used to check blood flow. That might have helped Serenity...

My next pregnancy, that kid is going to have NO privacy!!!

janis said...

((hugs)) and good luck!
It breaks my heart to read how Jason is reacting... but they are only being authentic to the experience.

I will be thinking of you, and many healing thoughts to you...

Lisa DG said...

Maybe we can support each other...I am starting injectibles in November too, and I am scared, and am hoping for a live baby too.

I will envision your experience as a smooth and easy cycle to a most precious baby.

Good luck and know that you can have this.

Travelwahine said...

Ya Chun - Thanks. I hope it works. Remember back when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were pregnant, there were rumors that he bought an US machine and let me tell you. I don't think it's all that crazy now, well if you have that kind of money.

My OB (the one I love) was actually going to do biweekly stress test with Ethan but we never made it. I'm sure she will do even more now.

Janis - You are absolutely right, they are authentic to their feelings. Thanks for your comment.

Lisa dg - Come on NOVEMBER!!! Yay I will have a cycle buddy. Thank you.

c. said...


Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking to know, as I mourned my own baby, you were in your own private hell this past May. I'm so sorry.

I'm also sorry that your living son is having a hard time adjusting to the idea of you getting pregnant again. I think I find this the most heartbreaking: Seeing how this loss has affected my own kids. It's so hard to see and feel their fear. Worrying about their brother or sister dying is the last thing any child should have to concern themselves with. But, like us, they know how terribly wrong things can go. And, g-d, things can go wrong. It's so awful.

I wish you luck in the coming weeks - the injections, the IUI, getting and staying pregnant. I've been seeing a naturopath for a bit now and I'm hopeful the changes I have made in my life, on his suggestion, will bring me that baby I want. I hope you get yours, too.