Well, we've decided to try to conceive once again. My 36th birthday is quickly approaching. We need to do this again. I have to muster all the courage and go forward with another round of injectibles and IUI. We have an appointment with our wonderful RE this coming Monday, Oct. 6. I'm excited and nervous. I will walk into his office and remember the last time I was there, I was pregnant with Ethan. I remember seeing him for the first time there, in that office. I was 6 weeks pregnant and I saw him, my little peanut with a wonderful heart rate of 181. Amazing how I remember every single heart rate reading we ever received.
My RE will be changing offices soon, his practice has really expanded and he's moving to a new location. I wish it was ready so I wouldn't have to go there again. It's very painful.
But, we must go forward with another cycle and have faith that one day I will deliver a LIVE baby. I have to try to do this again, for me, for my husband and for both of my sons living and in heaven. My six year old son is mortified of the thought of me being pregnant again, no we don't discuss this with him.
During the summer, we were getting ready to go the gym and my shirt was a bit tight and he looked at me and asked, "Mommy are you pregnant?", I was shocked to hear him ask this. I replied, "No, I'm not. Do you want Mommy to be pregnant again?" and his answer, "NO! I don't want another baby to die". It broke my heart again. My sweet pumpkin, I don't want another baby to die either. But, most of all I want you to know that not all babies die.
He's wonderful, full of energy and full of questions. Every time we see a pregnant woman he will hold my hand and look at me. I smile and tell him, "Jason, it's fine. Say a little prayer for her and her baby". He's very intuitive.
The plan: BCP this month to suppress the cysts, I have PCOS. I hope to begin the injectibles in November. In the meantime, I'm trying to lose weight and exercise. I did begin exercising in the summer. It was my way of coping. I'd get on the elliptical and cry and cry. I'm sure the people there thought I was nuts. And actually I was, I was crazy with grief.
I also made an appointment with a high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. I'm not using the high risk practice I went to when I was pregnant with Ethan. That's a whole different post. Overall, I'm excited and of course very nervous. I forgot to mention, if we do manage to get a BFP we plan on consulting with Dr. Jason Collins in Louisiana. He has studied umbilical cord accidents. I spoke with another Mom who went to him and she swears by his practice. I'd be interested to know, anybody else out there that has went to him?