Monday, September 1, 2008

Missing Ethan

There are just no words to express it. The pain is so much to bear sometimes. I miss my baby. He should've been here right now. I should be rocking him to bed, cradling my sweet baby in my arms, nursing him. All of this, I should've had instead of sitting here writing about how much I miss him. I should be writing about what milestone he's reached or what his poopy diapers look like. Something, anything other than writing about my dead baby.

I've been visiting his grave a lot more lately by myself. At first, we would go as a family, my husband, my son and myself. As of lately, I've been going there by myself. I went there the other day, after dropping off my son at school. I cried, and cried. Actually, it was more like a howl, I was crying from deep inside my soul. I was reaching into that dark, desolate place in my soul. The place where grief and pain reside. I can't do that, all the crying, with our family there. My 6 year old gets really sad when I'm wailing. Which these days is a lot less than what it used to be earlier. But, I feel like I have to restrain myself, my feelings in front of others. But, there in the cemetery. I'm free to cry for my baby that died. There I can cry him a river. It's a small cemetery, quaint and very peaceful.

When I went there the other day after crying for a while, I talked to my baby, my precious son, my Ethan. I apologized for not keeping him safe inside my womb. I apologized to Ethan for thinking about TTC again. I feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant again. I need to try sooner rather than later. I'm 35 years old, I have PCOS. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with injectibles. I need to try again. But I am so scared. Scared of the same thing happening again.
I don't want to replace him and I don't want my friends to think because I am pregnant that it's a sign that "I'm over it." I also feel as time passes, that I'm further away from him than ever before. I know that's not true. He will always be in my heart.

I placed a picture of him on my dresser. It's the first thing I see every morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed. I miss him so much. I LOVE YOU ETHAN!!!


Monica H said...

Thanks for inviting me read your blog.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is never easy and you'll never "get over it". Cry until your heart is content and the river overfloweth, as long as it's what you need.

((HUGS)) to you.

janis said...

oh, mama ((hugs))
I feel your words, I've felt every feeling you have felt. You are not alone.
Remembering Ethan with you...

Mere Mortal said...

Sending you love, wrapping you in hugs.
Knowing you will do exactly what you need to do to grieve, remember, and heal. In your own time.
Love to your Ethan.

Ya Chun said...

I am glad that you've started your own blog.

I was hesitant to tell people about this last pregnancy because I didn't want people to think I was over Serenity's death. It's not all rainbows and roses.

I think it is good for you to express your grief when you feel uninhibited. I think it is wonderful that you take your son's feelings into consideration too, it's a lot for a six year old to process. I think there is room for both, being sad together as a family, and spending time with just Ethan.

mrsmuelly said...

It really is hard to contain our sadness. We don't want to burden others with it, but we end up bottling it up then. You can share here. We all understand your sadness, and it is not a burden to us.

You WILL miss Ethan forever, and that hurts. Cry all you want. Don't feel bad about thinking about TTC again, though. He would want his mommy to keep going. He will send you his sibling - hand picked.