There are just no words to express it. The pain is so much to bear sometimes. I miss my baby. He should've been here right now. I should be rocking him to bed, cradling my sweet baby in my arms, nursing him. All of this, I should've had instead of sitting here writing about how much I miss him. I should be writing about what milestone he's reached or what his poopy diapers look like. Something, anything other than writing about my dead baby.
I've been visiting his grave a lot more lately by myself. At first, we would go as a family, my husband, my son and myself. As of lately, I've been going there by myself. I went there the other day, after dropping off my son at school. I cried, and cried. Actually, it was more like a howl, I was crying from deep inside my soul. I was reaching into that dark, desolate place in my soul. The place where grief and pain reside. I can't do that, all the crying, with our family there. My 6 year old gets really sad when I'm wailing. Which these days is a lot less than what it used to be earlier. But, I feel like I have to restrain myself, my feelings in front of others. But, there in the cemetery. I'm free to cry for my baby that died. There I can cry him a river. It's a small cemetery, quaint and very peaceful.
When I went there the other day after crying for a while, I talked to my baby, my precious son, my Ethan. I apologized for not keeping him safe inside my womb. I apologized to Ethan for thinking about TTC again. I feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant again. I need to try sooner rather than later. I'm 35 years old, I have PCOS. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with injectibles. I need to try again. But I am so scared. Scared of the same thing happening again.
I don't want to replace him and I don't want my friends to think because I am pregnant that it's a sign that "I'm over it." I also feel as time passes, that I'm further away from him than ever before. I know that's not true. He will always be in my heart.
I placed a picture of him on my dresser. It's the first thing I see every morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed. I miss him so much. I LOVE YOU ETHAN!!!