Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The elephant in the room

This weekend, as I was channel surfing I watched the commercial for the VMAs. The commercial with Britney Spears and the British comedian, and of course, the huge elephant in the background. I almost cried. No, not for Britney, but for me. Well, actually I do feel sorry for Britney but that's another story.

The elephant in the room, well, that's me at work. I'm the elephant. My pregnant co-worker and the rest of my coworkers, well I'm sure they see me as the elephant. She's now 35 weeks pregnant and she's very big and pregnant. She just had her work baby shower last week and I didn't attend. I couldn't. I did contemplate going, but I just could not. We were pregnant together. We shared many times together, both of us comparing our growing bellies together. Only I buried my baby and she's due in 4 weeks.

The gifts are slowly pouring in, and when I'm there I notice some will try to stash the gifts under the counter. This both angers and annoys me. On one hand, I feel as if I can handle it. But, then if they are talking and gushing about everything baby and pregnancy, I just want to yell, "Shut the hell up, you fucking insensitive assholes". I know, I must sound crazy. But it irritates me to no end.

It's hard to work with her. Her life is perfect, she doesn't have a dead baby. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish any harm on her or her baby. But, she's just so fucking happy. I want to yell at her and tell her, this can happen to you as well. I'm not a freak of nature. Although I feel that way sometimes, infertile and the mother to a stillborn baby. It makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed that my body failed me. That my body killed my baby.

I hate feeling this way. I'm not a hateful person. But, lately, I just want to yell at everyone at work. I want to tell them, that they of all people should understand and know that shit happens to people everyday. I'm a nurse, I see how fragile life is. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Yet, I don't want to be a pessimist. But is it pessimism or realism?


Monica H said...

I think when your baby dies, it becomes realism not pessimism. There is a difference, but it takes something so tragic for one to know the difference.

Your co-workers may never get it, so feel free to yell "Shut the hell up, you fucking insensitive assholes". It sounds like a good start to me :-)

I was invited to a baby shower by my boss, and I just can't go. I don't understand why she even invited me knowing my situation. So I'm sorry you didn't get to opt out and had to witness all her "happiness". That sucks. She sucks.

And, I too, feel dorry for Britney.

Monica H said...

oops feel *sorry* not dorry.

CLC said...

I think what you are feeling is "normal". It's hard not to feel guilt and shame. And it's harder to look at other people be so blissed out knowing that they are thinking it will never happen to them. Before I get too pissed though, I try to remind myself I was that person, until it did happen to me.

Nicole said...

totally normal. Even if you yell at them, they won't get it. It takes being here to get it. I'm sorry I completely understand.

mrsmuelly said...

Stupid baby showers...they suck! I often wish that the world would just wait for me to "catch up". You know, for me to have my baby. Then, the rest of them could go on talking about babies, having baby showers, and getting pregnant themselves. Until then, I cannot be pleased with any way they choose to talk to me about it all. If they include me or talk in front of me, I consider them insensitive and forgetfull. If they avoid the subject, I become the elephant and I hate that.

All that to say, I understand and you are not alone. I'm so sorry.