Monday, March 16, 2009

Why does it keep happening?

I get a call from my Mom yesterday, she told me my cousins wife delivered their son, he was stillborn. She was 36 weeks pregnant, uneventful pregnancy. She did not feel him move and went in to get checked and he had died. It was a cord accident. WHY????

We are first cousins, shouldn't they somehow be protected with statistics since it happened to me already. Of course not. We've all been there, the wrong side of the statistics. I hate when another baby dies. I wish Ethan would've been the last baby to die this way. It's horrible, and it happens all too frequently.

And what is the medical community doing about this? NOTHING. Every doctor I have spoken to, with a few exceptions, make it sound as if stillbirth is a thing of the past that happens sporadically. And I hate the phrase, "It was a fluke".

I just can't believe it. Our family has been struck again. Why???

I also had a mini freakout Saturday. She was moving... a lot. It scared me, it took me back to night before Ethan died. I checked her heartbeat and she was thumping nicely in the 150s. But, all the movement, it flooded my body with emotions I haven't felt recently. The grief came pouring in. Followed by the guilt. Could I have done something about it. Maybe if I had a doppler then, could I have detected a change in heart rate.

As if that wasn't enough, I thought what if all the doppler hearings are forcing her to move in such a way to get her cord tangled up into a true knot. Am I causing a true knot now? I was a mess. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of losing another baby. I don't know if I will survive. Then I think of little Jason, what will it do to him if this happens again. What will it do to my family?


Monique said...

I am just so sorry. It is unbelievable how often this happens and sadly, until it happens to you, you never hear of it. I wish I could say something to help with the anxiety but I can't. I can only imagine the range of emotions you must be going through & I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Hope's Mama said...

I am so sorry. It is awful how none of us are immune to this, even if it has happened to the same family alerady. I have often said I wish Hope was the last baby to die like this. But they just keep on dying, and you're right, doctors just don't seem too concerned.

Monica H said...

I don't know why this happens but i am so so sorry. This completely breaks my heart.

I just wrote a post about trying again and losing. It is just so scary. It's not the pegnancy I'm scare of, it's the death and how it'll affect me and my family. I just can't go through that again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

CLC said...

I am so sorry. I don't know why doctors downplay it. It's not uncommon, even if it's not common. I wish your family didn't have to know this pain yet again.

janis said...

I am so sorry. My heart breaks to hear news like this... ((hugs))

mrsmuelly said...

I am so sorry for your cousin. It truly is just not fair. I feel the same way - all loss should have stopped with us.

I can say that I've felt the same anxiety directly coupled with the increased movement. There are so many things that can happen. The anxiety never ends... It's truly nerve-wracking. I'm so sorry.

Lisa DG said...

Sorry for your cousin and his wife.

In terms of your anxiety, it is so natural to be completely wigged out. Just think what you've been through. Of course you're panicked. I am sure the doppler won't cause a knot in the cord.

Do you want us to just be here to listen and lend a shoulder to lean on or cry on? Would you like us to talk you down from the ledge when you're teetering? Let us know so we can help.

Travelwahine said...

isLisa DG - I value your opinion and advise, keep it coming :)

And thank you for being here, it really means a lot to me.