Baby showers, nurseries, labor ...

Everyone wants to ask me about these things.

Am I having a baby shower? NO

Have I picked out the nursery decor? Again, the answer is NO.

Where will I deliver, am I having an epidural? I will deliver at the same hospital where I delivered my other son. Where I delivered my dead son. Usually, that's enough to stop the pregnancy questions.

I know these are all part of the pregnancy interrogation, and they are not ill intentioned questions, but they bug me. I want to scream, "I'm freaking terrified, I'm afraid of this baby dying as well, I don't really know if this baby will live!" I had the baby shower last time, I had the nursery decor picked out and he still died. I know those things are not important. What's important, my sanity for starters. Controlling my gestational diabetes, monitoring my blood pressure, ask me about that.

The other day at work, one of the very pregnant respiratory therapists, came down and I cowered. I hid, I didn't want to see her nor did I want her to see my bump. I've been doing this a lot more, in public I hide my pregnant belly. Am I ashamed, no, I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't want people to see me pregnant again and ask me questions about this pregnancy, and if the unimaginable happens I don't want to explain why I don't have a living baby again. I know I sound crazy huh.

As my sister asked me a couple weeks ago, am I not happy. Well, of course I'm happy. I love this little girl so much. Of course I do she is my little girl, my little Lauren. Yes, I do get excited and actually let my mind go there, to the possibility that she will live. But, then my grief kicks in, the doubts, the fear all of it, it comes crashing down and I go back to my reality. I have already lost a son, he's dead and I'm not immune to the same thing happening again.

I am praying that this doesn't happen again. I am hopelessly in love with her. She is quite the kicker and mover. I am amazed with her movement. I love her, and love feeling her move inside. I have life again growing in my womb. But, I am scared, my womb proved to be a deadly tomb for Ethan. My body killed Ethan. I don't want it to happen again, actually that is an understatement I am begging my body, the universe, God to stop it from happening again. I am approaching 22 weeks this weekend, just 10 weeks before my world came crashing down on me last time. It is a constant countdown, 16-15 more weeks before I can be induced. But, will I make it? And Ethan's birthday is quickly approaching, May 23rd. It will be one year since I said Hello and Goodbye to Ethan. One year since I met him, held him, marveled at his beautiful face, his beautiful nose, his head full of black curls. There are times when I want to go back to that day, just to be able to hold him again. I wish I could go back to that day to take a picture of his feet, I saw them and I have footprints of his feet, but I never took a picture of his toes, his tiny feet.

The other day, I was able to talk about Ethan's birth without crying. I found myself wanting to tell Ethan's birth story. Someone made a comment about my pain tolerance and this impending birth and I stopped her in her tracks and reminded her that I have been through labor before. I labored to bring Ethan into this world, yes he was born, silently he was born into my awaiting arms. I've been through it before. I had given birth. Although, I didn't push him out, no he was taken from my womb, just the same way he was taken from us.

Why does it keep happening?

I get a call from my Mom yesterday, she told me my cousins wife delivered their son, he was stillborn. She was 36 weeks pregnant, uneventful pregnancy. She did not feel him move and went in to get checked and he had died. It was a cord accident. WHY????

We are first cousins, shouldn't they somehow be protected with statistics since it happened to me already. Of course not. We've all been there, the wrong side of the statistics. I hate when another baby dies. I wish Ethan would've been the last baby to die this way. It's horrible, and it happens all too frequently.

And what is the medical community doing about this? NOTHING. Every doctor I have spoken to, with a few exceptions, make it sound as if stillbirth is a thing of the past that happens sporadically. And I hate the phrase, "It was a fluke".

I just can't believe it. Our family has been struck again. Why???

I also had a mini freakout Saturday. She was moving... a lot. It scared me, it took me back to night before Ethan died. I checked her heartbeat and she was thumping nicely in the 150s. But, all the movement, it flooded my body with emotions I haven't felt recently. The grief came pouring in. Followed by the guilt. Could I have done something about it. Maybe if I had a doppler then, could I have detected a change in heart rate.

As if that wasn't enough, I thought what if all the doppler hearings are forcing her to move in such a way to get her cord tangled up into a true knot. Am I causing a true knot now? I was a mess. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of losing another baby. I don't know if I will survive. Then I think of little Jason, what will it do to him if this happens again. What will it do to my family?

Approaching 20 weeks...

And I am starting to get scared shitless. Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks, over the half way mark for me. I'm excited, yet extremely terrified of this baby dying. Although I have allowed myself to name this baby. My thought is, if something happens, I will need to name the baby anyway. I'm always afraid of testing fate again. I don't dare look at the baby aisle, on occasion I will browse online at baby stuff and then I jump back and think to myself I am getting way ahead of myself.

However, I am definitely looking very pregnant these days. I do marvel at my changing body once again, but only in private. Yet, now strangers are asking the ever present, question "Is this your first?" They all mean well I'm sure. But it stings so much, on the one hand, we have Jason. He's 6 years old, not biologically ours, but there is just no difference. Second, no this is not my first pregnancy, I also have a son, Ethan. Such a simple question, yet it elicits so many emotions.

As far as the pregnancy, all seems to be relatively well. I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. But, it is diet controlled and I'm doing pretty well. Dr. J wanted to test me early since I had GD last time. My hypertension is under control. Even at 32 weeks pregnant with Ethan, I was running systolic blood pressures in the one teens. I haven't gained much weight this time around, only 5 lbs. I attribute it to my diabetic diet. NO FUN :( But, overall all seems well.

We had our 18 week extensive ultrasound, and all looks well. 4 chamber heart, 2 kidneys, 10 toes and 10 fingers. And the baby weighs 9 ounces already. My parents came to visit the night before to accompany us to the ultrasound. It meant so much to me. The night before, my Dad bought a dozen roses and gave them to me. He said they were not for me but for his GRANDDAUGHTER ! Well, he was absolutely right. We are having a GIRL!!! We have decided to name our little girl,
Lauren Daniella. Daniella after my Dad.