Thursday, January 22, 2009

Cautiously optimistic

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been around, reading all of your blogs, basking in the happiness of fellow bloggers whom have just had their healthy babies. Congratulations! I am so happy on the arrival of your little bundle of joys. It gives me HOPE. Again, Congratulations!!!

And of course, I'm walking along with you, walking through the journey of infertility, injections, IUIs and IVF. I hold you all dear and close to my heart. Wishing you well, sending baby dust your way.

My pregnancy is going well so far. I am now 12ish weeks pregnant, past the "safety" mark. Is it ever safe? No, I think not, but I will pretend it is. I need to be in oblivion again. Only, I can't, I've traveled through that treacherous path before, I know there is never a safe time in pregnancy.

I had my first OB appointment last week. It went as well as could be expected. Of course, being there brought back all the painful memories of discovering that Ethan had died. But, I survived. I made it through the appointment without crying the entire time. Since it was my first appointment, I first met with the nurse, Michelle, she was great. She initially put me in the room where we could not hear his heartbeat, and I just lost it. She moved us into another room immediately, she was sympathetic and didn't make me repeat my whole history. That, in itself, is also very painful. Finally, I met with Dr. J, I just love her. She was elated to have us there. As was I, I can't imagine anybody else treating us. We heard the baby's heartbeat. I love that sound.

Which brings me to my confession, I bought a fetal doppler and absolutely love it. I am officially addicted to it. I am listening to the baby, first thing in the morning and before I go to bed. Wow. I just love it.

Back to my appointment, we did talk about the whole course of action for the pregnancy and she said most likely I would deliver early. She suggested maybe 36-37 weeks, depending on an amnio to determine lung maturity. But, no longer than 39 weeks. I have predisposing factors which can contribute to poor placental function. I have hypertension and lupus anticoagulant. She also said I'd have weekly ultrasounds and biweekly stress test and biophysical profiles. So, there you have it. I'm OK with this, I would feel better. At the end, I just want to hold a live baby in my arms.

This Friday I have my next appointment with the MFM doctor. Where I have elected to have the first trimester screening. I'm excited, and of course cautiously optimistic. I didn't do any of these test with Ethan, but I opted to have it just to get the detailed ultrasounds early on. Of course, they measure the nuchal fold. But, I know for sure, I will not do an amnio or CVS. If there is a risk of miscarrying, I will not take that chance. I've been on the other side of the statistics and don't want to be there again.

Now, I just have to visualize the ultrasound machine. I have to remember to breathe. I think I will need to have a pedicure or massage before the appointment. Just thinking of the ultrasound, I get panicked. I go back to May 21st, when it was confirmed that Ethan died. But, I will get through this, I will do it. I can do this. I have no choice.


Ya Chun said...

I've been wondering.... tx for update.

Glad you are getting such attentive care! And I totally get you on the dopplar addiction - I will likely be there whenever I am that far along again!

mrsmuelly said...

Yay, hooray, and all that! Glad to hear that everything is going well and that your doc visit was good. I'm right behind you (11ish weeks now). The u/s will be great, the baby will be perfect.

Monica H said...

I've been thinking about you too. I'm glad everything is going well so far.

I'm glad you'll be having such great and thorough care through out the pregnancy. You can do this. And you will get through this.

I'll be here to encourage you, but just for good measure, why don't you go ahead and get a pedicure before the appts. and a massage after. That should do it.

CLC said...

I am optimistic for you too. Your plan of care for the end sounds similar to what they mapped out for me. It's a terrifying road, but I hope it works out for the best for you. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers!

Andrea said...

girlfriend, well said. I've been wondering how it's going, and am so glad you're doing well.
Okay, the fetal doppler? I got one after my loss of Alia's twin brother. My OB suggested lovingly that I limit myself to 3 times a day so as to not make myself crazy. But it provided me with sooo much reassurance. I'm glad you got it. And as far as fetal monitoring goes...I did that too in my last tri, and it really reassured me as well. I think I've told you before that after my loss, I couldn't really exhale until I held Alia in my arms...I relate to how you're feeling. So glad you and your baby are in a good place.