Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I'm back at work

Well, I went back to work after being off for 13 weeks. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do on this journey of grief.

It was at work where I found out something was wrong with my precious baby. I had a very busy morning, it was around lunch time that I began to notice that my baby wasn't moving. I thought to myself, "I've been running around I need to sit and eat lunch." So, I did. And NOTHING, no movement, no kicks. Then after a few minutes, I mention it to my coworker who is also pregnant. I work at a hospital, so she borrows the doppler from the Adult ED. We go into an empty room and begin to check for fetal heart tones. I tell her to go first, it's there, thump...thump... 140 beats per minute. Now it's my turn, I lay down on the cart and NOTHING. Then I shift around the cart and again nothing. We have another nurse check with us and nothing. As I was laying there on the cart, it did not occur to me that my baby didn't have a heart beat I thought it was due to our old dopplers. I get up from the cart, I'm relatively calm. I walk into the break room and call my OB, her nurse tells me to come into the office. Gosh, I don't think I can continue. I can't do this right now. It's a painful trip down misery lane.

The point is, going back to work was very hard. My body was flooded with all of these memories. And yes, the pregnant coworker was there, 33 weeks pregnant. Just a week more than I was when Ethan died. I look at her and think, "Did I look that big and happy". I just want to be there. I never got to be there, 33 weeks pregnant. No, my bliss abruptly ended with immense heartache and a dead baby. You never think you're going to be there, here in our situation. But, it happens. Everyday. It. Happens.

4 comments:

Lisa DG said...

My gosh how that sounds so painful! I am so sorry to read of what happened to you. There are no words to make it better, but please know that both you and Ethan are in my thoughts and prayers.

janis said...

Big, bug ((hugs)) to you, mama. It has to be hard and brutal... and I really wish I have the right words to soothe your pain...
Thinking of you and your Ethan. Please know you are not alone. My heart is with you.

CLC said...

Going back to work was so hard for me as well. Our stories are very similar. I was there when I noticed the lack of movement.

I hope, in time, that works becomes a good distraction for you. It's hard to grieve 24/7, even though that's what we want to do. Sometimes, when I am work, I can forget everything that happened. It's almost like I have a different personality there. But I imagine that would be harder for you to do at a hospital. Good luck.

mrsmuelly said...

Yes, it does happen. That doesn't make it any easier though. You are very brave to go back to work. It takes a lot of strength.