Monday, March 7, 2011

Just once...

Why can't I be "normal" and have a happy ending like everyone else. But, who am I kidding. It's me, nothing ever goes the way it should. I'm always on the other side of the statistics, the one that gets told, "I'm sorry, but...". Arggh. Yes, I'm angry and pissed and hurt. I want to lash out at everyone. I am screaming, WHY WHY WHY?

On Feb 8th, I was at work. I had just come back from attending my niece's baby shower over the weekend. My Mom insisted I was pregnant. In my head, I thought, "No, I'm not". It's me, infertile, need fertility drugs and IUI to get pregnant. Then, I began to check my calendar and yes it had been a while since my last period. Nothing unusual given my history of PCOS. Although, all of 2010 I was predictable every 40 days or so. So, I checked, I peed on a stick and to my surprise, pleasant surprise, I saw a very light pink 2nd line. Could it really be? No, it can't. All of these years and we've never been able to conceive without the aid of fertility drugs. But, there it was, 2nd line. I call my husband, excited, gitty, full of hope. I told him the news and he too was surprised, but ecstatic. Here's the thing. We were planning on seeing our fertility doctor in February. And here we were February 8th and we were pregnant. Oh the excitement of that day. I felt like as if I had won the lottery, nah better than that. I was the happiest most blessed person, or so I thought.

Of course, I called my niece and told her. We told my sister in law. I felt fine, I thought, this time I'm going to try to be like all of the other women, I want to immerse myself in the bliss of pregnancy, I need to calm down and not worry about every single thing. People get pregnant all the time, and go on to have healthy pregnancies and live babies. This is a gift and I'm going to enjoy it, every step of the way.

But, as you can probably tell by the tone of this post. It didn't turn out as I had hoped, I miscarried my "miracle" baby. I had an ultrasound done by a friend who needed pregnant models. I felt confident and volunteered to be her pregnant model. I went in on the Sunday before my first scheduled OB appt. that following Thurs. I was certain everything was going to be fine. But, we couldn't see a heartbeat. We saw a gestational sac, fetal pole but no heartbeat. She tried to reassure me, that it was too early. I was measuring 6w3d. But, I knew it wasn't. With both Ethan and Lauren, we could see their heartbeat at 6weeks. But, again I wanted to be "normal" and went along with it. I told myself, I haven't been cramping or bleeding. My HCG levels early on were fine, on the high side actually. My progesterone level was great. I was doing everything on my end, Lovenox injections check, progesterone injections check. I had even started following my diabetic diet from before since I had gestational diabetes. Blood sugars were great. Blood pressure was stellar. "Yes, everything would be just fine", I thought.

Thursday arrived, my husband accompanied me to our doctor's office. The first person we saw was the sonographer, she performed an abdominal ultrasound, and there was the sac but that's it. Maybe a shadow of a fetal pole. I made her do a transvaginal ultrasound, and NOTHING. She also said maybe it was too early. I was still measuring 6w and a couple days. Utter devastation had set in at this point. I saw the nurse practitioner and she confirmed my worst fears. It appeared I had miscarried. We talked about my options. I opted to wait and come in for a repeat ultrasound a couple days later. I was still holding on to hope. I went home that day and cried all weekend. I called my OB on Monday and decided to have a D&C, but wanted to make sure I indeed had miscarried. We went in and again nothing, the fetal pole I saw was now almost gone, reabsorbed I imagine. We talked about the risks of the D&C, I asked her if she thought this would damage my uterus, she reassured me she would be extremely cautious. I just couldn't bear the thought of miscarrying at home, the pain, the passing of my baby. I couldn't do it. Plus, I wanted to have chromosomal testing done.

I had the D&C March 8th at the same hospital where Ethan was born and Lauren was born. All the memories of losing Ethan rushed through me, and here I was again... I'm doing better now (April 11th, it took me a while to finally post this), physically I recovered fairly fast. Emotionally, I'm taking it day by day. We did get the results of the chromosomal testing, 46XX. We would've had a girl.  I have mixed feelings about the "normal" results, if chromosomally everything was fine, why did I miscarry? It's not fair. Life isn't fair!

3 comments:

Ya Chun said...

Oh no! I am so sorry to hear this. And waiting for the other u/s to confirm it sucks. This happened to us after Serenity and before Beanie.It was terrible. I don't know how or why these things happen - something just goes wrong in the early cell divisions.

This is tough. Take care of yourself.

Sherri said...

I'm so sorry! I'm on both sides too... infertility coupled with baby loss.... not a great place to be!
Sending you love!

Leejean Stanger said...

I've been blog surfing and found your blog. I can understand your pain. I've had 6 miscarriages and one stillborn son. He lived only a minute, not long enough to get any vitals on. The pain can seem unbearable at times. but I truly believe that there is a God, and he does love us, and has a plan for us. He will helps us through these hard times. I believe that in the end it will all be worth it. I'm so sorry for your loss. May the Lord bless you.