I'm in my fertility doctor's office, I just had an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, then suddenly I begin to have pelvic pain. I tell the nurse, the doctor comes in, tells me I have to go to the hospital. She walks me over, I look down, blood dripping down my leg. I am miscarrying, they ask me when was the last time I ate. I'm crying, thinking not another loss. I'm trying to reach my husband, I can't seem to find my cell phone. I'm walking through the hospital corridor, people are starring. Starring at the mess walking in front of them. I sit in a hospital chair, while the registration people get me registered. They give me another blanket, I'm cold. Kim, my fertility doctor's nurse, tells me she will buy me lunch when all of this is over. I ask if they will test for chromosome problems and she assures me they will. I'm asking why, why did it happen, I had just seen the heartbeat. Now, I feel something. It's between my legs, it's the sac carrying my baby.
The phone is ringing, I'm still dreaming. I finally manage to wake up. It's a familiar number, I think. I just missed it, went to voicemail. Yes, I'm wide awake now. I look down, no blood, it was just a dream. I call my voicemail, and to my surprise it's Dr. J. My OB, she's left me a message. She tells me she was so happy to find my chart on her desk upon her arrival from vacation. She's calling to tell me how excited and happy she is for me, and how she knows this will be very scary but we will get through it together. Her voice is full of glee and optimism.
That was the best wake up call I've ever had. A good way to bring me back to reality, to drag me out of that hellish nightmare.
8 comments:
((hugs)) what a nightmare. I hope they never return. xo
I hope they stop soon. No one needs to live that awake or dreaming.
Can I knit something for your baby?
that is too scary. well, at least it's in your nightmares!
Oh my God, I got past the first paragraph, I made an ugly cry face and the tears almost started to flow down my cheek. Then I read it was a nightmare.
So very awful- I'm so sorry. I hope you don't have very many of those this pregnancy. Keep provong them wrong. If you need me to call you every morning and tell you good things I will. Just ask.
Yikes- well, pregnancy after loss can't be a cake walk- there is so much we shouldn't know that swirls around in our heads. Just remember your little sweet pea there will you. Things will be ok. I just know it.
She sounds like a very good doctor.
When will they stop? I don't know...as we move toward implanting my frozen embryos in the next month or so, I anticipate similar feelings/fears/nightmares. After all we've been through, I think it's only natural to be scared. But your doctor is right...it's going to be scary, but you're going to get through it...think about it this way...you're already doing it! Yesterday, the day before, the day before that..you did it! now only a matter of the months ahead! And what a support network you've created for yourself. You're not alone in this big adventure.
What a fabulous doctor! I'm so glad that you woke up to her voicemail.
I understand the dream - I can't seem to stop them either. I guess it just comes with the territory now. So, does that make the end result (a live baby) better? I think I would do okay without the awful dreams!
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