What did you do?

Last night, I took a pregnancy test. I reasoned that it would be too early to test but if I got a negative then I know the HCG is out of my body. I took the HCG trigger shot Monday November 10th. The test was negative. Exactly what I was hoping for, at least for now.

So, now I've established there is no extraneous HCG in my blood and I plan to cheat and test Sunday or Monday. I'm scheduled for my beta HCG level on Wednesday, before Thanksgiving.

This wait is pure torture.

I did get my P4 level yesterday and it was very good 44.78. After I heard the message from my REs office, of course I started to google it. Well, it is a good P4 level and I found one study that looked to see if there was an association between high P4 levels and pregnancy rates. And they found it not to be statistically significant. Oh well, I guess I'm not the only one to think there might be. So, after my high from my elevated P4 level I crashed with the realization that this might not be the case. I might not be pregnant, it didn't work. And because of our financial situation right now we will have to postpone. And postponing is not really that great of an idea because next month I turn 36 years old.

You get the picture, it's a downright spiral. For the meantime, I will try to relax and hope this week zooms by.

In the midst of all of the fertility stuff, I miss Ethan more than ever. I want him to know that I am not trying to replace him. I feel guilty sometimes for TTC again. Then I get angry and hate that we are trying again. I shouldn't be trying so soon, if he was here. But, he isn't. My dim reality.

Sorry guys, I know this post is all over the place. Welcome to my fertility roller coaster.