Well, I'm home now. After spending all day at the hospital, I am finally home. Nope the lungs were not mature yet. Apparently, my gestational diabetes has affected my little girl lungs. Arggg. So, we were there ALL day, my OB and MFM went back and forth and finally came to the decision to induce me Friday evening. Today and the next 3 days, the risk for developing respiratory distress syndrome is 10% and neither of them felt comfortable inducing me just yet.
The amnio was very, very painful. Now I know what a contraction feels like. OUCH!!! It was difficult to obtain because her head was wedged in my pelvis and she couldn't find any other pockets of fluid. I'm glad that's over. It hurt like hell, but at least I know now that we should be relatively safe for delivery Saturday.
Amazingly, I feel quite comfortable with this. Perhaps it's my background, Peds emergency room nurse, I know what RDS looks like and all that it can entail. I don't want to see my little girl on a ventilator or any other assisted breathing device. I want her well and alive, I want to hold her in my arms once she is born, not whisked away to the NICU and poked and prodded. But, then on the flip side, the thought is there. Lingering. What if something happens in the next couple days until Friday. It's a no win situation. I just hope we've all made the right decision.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Quote of the day
I read this on another blogger's blog http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/ , I'm going to borrow it Niki. Thanks.
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles; it empties today of it's strengths"
I know I need to repeat this to myself over and over again. I'm a worried hot mess. I have been checking her heartbeat all day today. I am so scared, so scared of being this close and BAM something happens. This crap happens everyday. I am poking and prodding at her, I was on the verge of calling my OB and begging for her to take the baby early. 5 more days. I have to remember this, only 5 more days. BUT, I am freaking out. I don't want to lose her. Then I worry about it being a holiday weekend. See when Ethan died last year it was right before Memorial Day. I have this thing about holiday weekends. I know, I'm losing it. Can time just fly by, please. I want it to be Tuesday July 7th already. I want a guarantee that she will still be alive. Oh God, please help me!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Curve Ball #1
Yes, I'm anticipating more of these. I just came back from my MFM appt. had my final BPP and growth ultrasound. And guess what? My baby girl, with lots of hair, has decided to flip into a breech position. Complete breech. Not transverse, head is up by my ribs.
I knew something was different yesterday. I woke up and was able to walk without the round ligament pain, the pelvic pressure, all in all I was feeling great. I called and told my husband I thought she was breech because the pelvic pressure was gone. Then I felt something in my ribs and thought, well maybe she isn't.
Well, she is breech. One week away from scheduled induction. Oh well, if I have to have a C section, I'm OK with that. I just want her alive and well.
Oh and her estimated weight, 6 lbs 10 oz, 77th percentile. Wow! She's pretty big isn't she for 35 weeks 3days.
I'll keep all of you posted.
I knew something was different yesterday. I woke up and was able to walk without the round ligament pain, the pelvic pressure, all in all I was feeling great. I called and told my husband I thought she was breech because the pelvic pressure was gone. Then I felt something in my ribs and thought, well maybe she isn't.
Well, she is breech. One week away from scheduled induction. Oh well, if I have to have a C section, I'm OK with that. I just want her alive and well.
Oh and her estimated weight, 6 lbs 10 oz, 77th percentile. Wow! She's pretty big isn't she for 35 weeks 3days.
I'll keep all of you posted.
Monday, June 29, 2009
35 weeks 1 day
I've come this far. I am so ready to hold my baby girl in my arms. There are times when I let myself go there, to the possibility that she will come into my arms, breathing and alive.
Here is the plan per my OB, amnio next week Tuesday to assess lung maturity. If lungs are mature, induce the next day. One more week, I can't wait. I hope her lungs are mature. Although, I do enjoy feeling her kicks and movements inside my womb, I am ready to meet her.
Also, her lovely head is now resting in my pelvis and boy does that hurt. When I walk I feel the pressure of her in my pelvis, I feel my round ligaments stretching and let me tell you, it's no walk in the park. I was checked on Friday, and yes I'm already dilated 1 cm, but my cervix is long, not effaced at all. She said she wouldn't mind if I went into labor on my own. She's not the only one.
I've also become quite sensitive these past couple weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat. And the fatigue, it's come back with a vengeance. I just have one more day of work, of course after today and then I'm officially on FMLA.
Uggg, I want this week to fly by, I want my baby girl here. I can't wait, then I think of all the things that might go wrong. And I begin to tremble in fear. I don't want to go there, but I know it can happen. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind at times. How have you guys done it, the deadbabymamas, during a subsequent pregnancy. How do you hold it together?
Here is the plan per my OB, amnio next week Tuesday to assess lung maturity. If lungs are mature, induce the next day. One more week, I can't wait. I hope her lungs are mature. Although, I do enjoy feeling her kicks and movements inside my womb, I am ready to meet her.
Also, her lovely head is now resting in my pelvis and boy does that hurt. When I walk I feel the pressure of her in my pelvis, I feel my round ligaments stretching and let me tell you, it's no walk in the park. I was checked on Friday, and yes I'm already dilated 1 cm, but my cervix is long, not effaced at all. She said she wouldn't mind if I went into labor on my own. She's not the only one.
I've also become quite sensitive these past couple weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat. And the fatigue, it's come back with a vengeance. I just have one more day of work, of course after today and then I'm officially on FMLA.
Uggg, I want this week to fly by, I want my baby girl here. I can't wait, then I think of all the things that might go wrong. And I begin to tremble in fear. I don't want to go there, but I know it can happen. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind at times. How have you guys done it, the deadbabymamas, during a subsequent pregnancy. How do you hold it together?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Dream
I'm in a South American jungle, riding in a jeep or something similar. We get a flat tire. We pull up next to a bus station waiting area, I get out of the car. My OB Dr. J and Russell Crowe are there. I lay in the bus stop waiting area, I ask my sister to cover it up with blankets. I lay down on the bench, I'm in labor. But, it doesn't hurt. I reach down, in between my legs, I feel the moist, soft, pliable skull of my baby girl. I push as much as I can, and there she is. Alive, breathing, slick. I am caressing her, drying her off. She is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful and she's alive. I wipe the blood off her, I can see her cord, no knot. She's in my arms. She looks just like I imagined her to look. I'm so happy, ecstatic actually. The feeling of her weight in my arms is magical.
I wake up, it was a dream.
I wake up, it was a dream.
Monday, June 8, 2009
32 weeks, 1 day
Yes, I've made it to the elusive date. And she's still alive, so far. Ethan died at exactly 32 weeks. I woke up and didn't realize, but by 32 weeks, 1 day he was dead.
This morning, I woke up and listened to her heartbeat. It was there...exhale. I don't know what I was expecting, but she's alive. Thank God, I have a NST today at 9:30am. It's reassuring. I love listening to her heartbeat. Although at times, it's difficult to differentiate hers from mine. Lately, my heart is beating so fast, it can easily be mistaken for a fetal heart rate.
She's moving and kicking right now. I love her, keep on moving is my mantra these days. I am now having NSTs twice a week and a weekly biophysical profile every Wednesday. Does it help, yes somewhat. But, I just want her here, alive and breathing.
This morning, I woke up and listened to her heartbeat. It was there...exhale. I don't know what I was expecting, but she's alive. Thank God, I have a NST today at 9:30am. It's reassuring. I love listening to her heartbeat. Although at times, it's difficult to differentiate hers from mine. Lately, my heart is beating so fast, it can easily be mistaken for a fetal heart rate.
She's moving and kicking right now. I love her, keep on moving is my mantra these days. I am now having NSTs twice a week and a weekly biophysical profile every Wednesday. Does it help, yes somewhat. But, I just want her here, alive and breathing.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A letter to my son, Ethan
Dearest Ethan,
My beloved son, a year ago you were born. You were born silenty at 1:29pm. You weighed 4 lbs 3 oz. and were 18 inches long. It was the hardest thing I had to do, to deliver your lifeless body into our awaiting arms. But it was also one of the best things I have done. It was one of the happiest days of my life, we finally were able to meet you. To see your beautiful face, we felt your beautiful curls. My precious Ethan, you looked just like Mommy. You were alive in my womb for 32 weeks, and they were the best weeks of my life. I still remember talking to you in the elevator at work. I remember how you would move and wiggle during my meetings, presentations at work. I love you and it comforts me to know that you felt this love. This I know for sure.
Today we celebrated your life, and as your big brother said, "We are celebrating his life and birth". Your big brother woke up today happy and excited, his first words this morning were "Mommy today is Ethan's birthday". It was a bittersweet day my love. Oh how we wish we would be able to blow out your 1st birthday candle with you. We were not given that opportunity but we thank God for allowing us the time we did have with you. We cherish those 32 weeks.
Your grandparents also came to visit for this very special day. It was a nice day, although a bit cloudy. We sat there and ate cupcakes to celebrate YOU. Your big brother blew out your candle after we sang Happy Birthday. Earlier in the day, he told me, "Mommy, it's kinda hard to celebrate a birthday when the person has died. I just want to be able to tell Ethan Happy Birthday, but he's not here". He's absolutely right. He also said you were going to have a big party in Heaven for your birthday, and you were probably playing the baby limbo with all of the clouds stringed together. He misses you tremendously.
I'm glad you entered our lives, and baby you continue to have a place in our family and will live forever in our hearts. You are my baby, my precious Ethan. We love you so much. Happy Birthday my love!
My beloved son, a year ago you were born. You were born silenty at 1:29pm. You weighed 4 lbs 3 oz. and were 18 inches long. It was the hardest thing I had to do, to deliver your lifeless body into our awaiting arms. But it was also one of the best things I have done. It was one of the happiest days of my life, we finally were able to meet you. To see your beautiful face, we felt your beautiful curls. My precious Ethan, you looked just like Mommy. You were alive in my womb for 32 weeks, and they were the best weeks of my life. I still remember talking to you in the elevator at work. I remember how you would move and wiggle during my meetings, presentations at work. I love you and it comforts me to know that you felt this love. This I know for sure.
Today we celebrated your life, and as your big brother said, "We are celebrating his life and birth". Your big brother woke up today happy and excited, his first words this morning were "Mommy today is Ethan's birthday". It was a bittersweet day my love. Oh how we wish we would be able to blow out your 1st birthday candle with you. We were not given that opportunity but we thank God for allowing us the time we did have with you. We cherish those 32 weeks.
Your grandparents also came to visit for this very special day. It was a nice day, although a bit cloudy. We sat there and ate cupcakes to celebrate YOU. Your big brother blew out your candle after we sang Happy Birthday. Earlier in the day, he told me, "Mommy, it's kinda hard to celebrate a birthday when the person has died. I just want to be able to tell Ethan Happy Birthday, but he's not here". He's absolutely right. He also said you were going to have a big party in Heaven for your birthday, and you were probably playing the baby limbo with all of the clouds stringed together. He misses you tremendously.
I'm glad you entered our lives, and baby you continue to have a place in our family and will live forever in our hearts. You are my baby, my precious Ethan. We love you so much. Happy Birthday my love!
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