I entered into this hellish nightmare. I remember so clearly, I was at work. Busy, I was in charge of the ED. And of course, I am taking care of the sickest kid in the department. We were waiting for the neurosurgeon to take him into surgery. His blood pressure was high, his heart rate was low. He was only 2 years old. He was a former 26 weeker. His mother noticed I was pregnant and asked how far along I was, I responded "32 weeks" and she said I had nothing to worry about, if he was born then his chances for survival would be great. I took comfort in her statement, I knew this to be true. In the meantime, her son is deteriorating. I am calling the neurosurgeon non stop. I finally get an estimated time for the OR. It is now around 1230 ish, I realize the baby hasn't moved. Or maybe he has, but I was so busy I didn't notice. We order lunch and I finally sit to eat, or rather inhale my food. I even drink a regular Sprite. I tell one of the other nurses, who by the way happens to be pregnant as well, she goes to the adult ED and borrows their doppler. We go into one of the rooms and ask another nurse to help us hear fetal heart tones. She goes first, it's there about 140. Then we proceed to me, and nothing. No fetal heart tones. After trying for like what seemed an eternity, we stop. I go into the break room and call my OB. I'm crying now, but I manage to call my husband. He was at our son's school picking him up. I ask him to pick me up, I know I can't manage to drive there.
He arrives, he's worried too. We are interrupted by an old college acquaintance, she's there with her son. We talk to her quickly. We leave the hospital premises, we are on the way there. I tell my husband to stop and pick up something for Jason to eat. In my mind, I'm thinking we will have to go to the hospital perhaps for a non stress test or something. It enters my mind that perhaps something is wrong but I'm not thinking he has died. I just couldn't imagine it, not on the way there. We arrive, the nurse greets me. She tries to listen to his heartbeat, NOTHING. I am taken over to the ultrasound room, and there he is, lifeless. No heartbeat. I knew it then, Ethan had died. I hear talking, my head is spinning, I'm crying, asking for my husband. The ultrasound technician brings him in, we are taken into another room, shortly after that Dr. J walks in. I don't want my son to see me like this, I ask them not to bring him in. I can't comprehend what is going on, it doesn't feel real. I'm asking her what happened, she's sitting and telling me she doesn't know. I don't know how long we are there. We finally leave, Jason was sitting in the nurses station coloring. He looks terrified. I try to gain composure for his sake. We manage to drive home.
Upon our arrival, I am greeted in the living room with all of the shower gifts from a few weeks ago. We take Jason into the family room and tell him his little brother has died. He doesn't look at me, he braces me and doesn't let go. I hear his sobs, he's crying uncontrollaby. My then 5 year old has just entered this hellish nightmare as well. He's asking why did our baby died. We have no answers.
The nightmare has begun. We have phone calls to make, family to tell, arrangements to make. We try to maintain normalcy for Jason's sake. We take comfort in our mundane tasks, giving Jason a bath, bedtime routine. We finally go to sleep, hoping to be awakened from this nightmare. Only that never happens. I am wide awake at 2am, sobbing, looking at my belly asking "WHY????"
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
We had an ultrasound and biophysical profile Thursday. All appears well for the time being. Our baby girl is weighing in at 2 lbs 8 ounces, she's in the 47th percentile. Not bad, I'm so afraid my gestational diabetes will affect her and will make her so big she won't be able to pass through the birth canal. Then I think of the possible things that can go wrong, shoulder distocia, anoxic brain injury, and the list goes on and on. That's the bad thing about knowing a little bit of information, it can be dangerous. I do think ignorance is bliss at times. We will have another ultrasound in 3 weeks to continue to monitor her growth.
On to other news, I had a bit of a scare last week, I was directly exposed to H1N1 virus. One of my patients coughed on my face as I was bending over to take his temperature. And of course, he tested positive for the flu virus. Just my luck huh. I'm on antivirals right now, I'm sure all is well, since I just passed the incubation period and nothing, no symptoms. Just one more day of the antiviral. I'm telling you, I must be a shit magnet. Then my employer informed me that I have to be reassigned to another area because the CDC recommends that pregnant health care workers be reassigned to non patient contact areas until further recommendation. I'm OK with this, I've already been exposed and don't want to take any chances.
I've had a rough past 2 weeks, lots of stress, Ethan's anniversary just right around the corner and oh yeah, my parents are on the verge of divorce after 45 years of marriage. I don't even want to get into the whole thing. I just wake up every morning and pray that I can get through the day. It's getting better, I'm here, surviving once again. I realize that although my parents impending divorce is difficult, NOTHING compares to the pain of losing your child.
Today on the eve of Mother's Day, I remember Ethan. I remember last years Mother's Day, all of the joy, the anticipation of holding my baby boy. I was 30 weeks pregnant last year, how I wish I would've known I only had 2 weeks left with him. I would've caressed my belly more, I would've told him how much I loved him. There's so much I wish I knew then. I would've tried to save his life.
To you my friends, I wish you a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
On to other news, I had a bit of a scare last week, I was directly exposed to H1N1 virus. One of my patients coughed on my face as I was bending over to take his temperature. And of course, he tested positive for the flu virus. Just my luck huh. I'm on antivirals right now, I'm sure all is well, since I just passed the incubation period and nothing, no symptoms. Just one more day of the antiviral. I'm telling you, I must be a shit magnet. Then my employer informed me that I have to be reassigned to another area because the CDC recommends that pregnant health care workers be reassigned to non patient contact areas until further recommendation. I'm OK with this, I've already been exposed and don't want to take any chances.
I've had a rough past 2 weeks, lots of stress, Ethan's anniversary just right around the corner and oh yeah, my parents are on the verge of divorce after 45 years of marriage. I don't even want to get into the whole thing. I just wake up every morning and pray that I can get through the day. It's getting better, I'm here, surviving once again. I realize that although my parents impending divorce is difficult, NOTHING compares to the pain of losing your child.
Today on the eve of Mother's Day, I remember Ethan. I remember last years Mother's Day, all of the joy, the anticipation of holding my baby boy. I was 30 weeks pregnant last year, how I wish I would've known I only had 2 weeks left with him. I would've caressed my belly more, I would've told him how much I loved him. There's so much I wish I knew then. I would've tried to save his life.
To you my friends, I wish you a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Summer winds
We've had exceptionally warm weather here in the Midwest. I hear the birds chirping in the early morning and see the sun rising on my way to work. Normally, the transition from winter to spring/summer was something I looked forward to, something I would eagerly anticipate every year. But lately, it's a reminder of what last year's spring/summer meant to me. It marked the beginning of my grief journey, the beginning of feeling the most immense pain of my life. It marks the death of Ethan.
I remember so clearly, the warm wind on my tear moistened cheeks, my swollen eyes, I looked like a boxer the day after a big match. I wanted to be away from it, away from the sunlight. I wanted to recluse in the solitude of my bedroom, but I couldn't. I had Jason to look after. He kept me going. He was also broken. After the funeral everyone returned to their lives, me I was just beginning my new life, the life of a mother of a dead baby.
Not was I just learning how to function in my new reality, I was also experiencing engorged breasts. My body apparently didn't know I had no baby to nurse. My boobs were hard as rocks. I had to wear nursery pads, I remember when my husband returned from the grocery store with the box of them, I broke down. The box had a chunky, smiling baby being held by his gleaming mother. I grabbed the box and threw it way, took out the pads and placed them in my sanitary napkin pile. I wanted nothing more than to nurse my baby, nurture my Ethan. I had the constant reminder of physical pain that indeed there was no baby, but the milk kept flowing as if trying to keep up with the tears I was shedding. I remember sobbing in the shower, this was my safe place to cry, and looking down at my breast release the milk. It was one of the worst reminders of what I should have been doing, nursing my child. I did look up on the Internet how to dry out your milk and would find all of these nursing mother websites. Eventually, I managed to read a couple of them and concluded that tightly bounded breast would slow down the milk production, I did, with a huge ace wrap I had my husband bind my breast. I also read along the way that frozen cabbage leaves applied to the breast would lessen the pain. I tried this as well, did it work? I'm not sure, but the coldness did soothe somewhat. After about 1 month, the milk did stop flowing. Although, I continued to leak for quite some time after that.
May sweeps came and went, I didn't have the TV shows I was used to watching put me in a trance. Everything was changing, school was out, kids were playing outside, the sun was brighter and our days were painfully long. Outside everybody was happy, smiling, lives continued. Yet, mine and that of our family halted to a complete stop. We were all lost. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. I remember feeling completely at a loss. My house was in shambles, I was barely able to take care of Jason's needs. I didn't want to cry in front of him, yet I was crying all day long. Eventually, my husband returned to work. And I was home with Jason, alone with him. I didn't have the energy to take him outside to play, I didn't want to see anybody. But, I had to do something. I had to take care of him. So, my days consisted of searching and reading blogs, I started my own deadbabymama blog. I let Jason do the unthinkable, vegetate in front of the TV. Then I slowly began to get a routine going again, I started going to the YMCA. This was my way of letting Jason play with other kids while in the kid watch area. And I began walking then running. This was the only thing that would release the pressure building up in my chest, I wanted to scream, I felt as if my head would soon burst. I would blast the music in my ears and run, run and run. I was sweating and the sweat would mask my tears. I would listen to all of the music that I'd listen to during my pregnancy, and I would think of Ethan and cry because he was no longer here, he was dead. We'd stay there 2 hours a day. And this is how I spent those painfully long days of summer.
As the summer winds begin to make an appearance once again, I fear going through the same kind of summer I had last year. I fear the milk engorged breasts with no baby to nurse, I fear the long, dreadful summer days. I fear the look of Jason's eyes looking into mine and asking, "Mommy why did our baby die?"
I remember so clearly, the warm wind on my tear moistened cheeks, my swollen eyes, I looked like a boxer the day after a big match. I wanted to be away from it, away from the sunlight. I wanted to recluse in the solitude of my bedroom, but I couldn't. I had Jason to look after. He kept me going. He was also broken. After the funeral everyone returned to their lives, me I was just beginning my new life, the life of a mother of a dead baby.
Not was I just learning how to function in my new reality, I was also experiencing engorged breasts. My body apparently didn't know I had no baby to nurse. My boobs were hard as rocks. I had to wear nursery pads, I remember when my husband returned from the grocery store with the box of them, I broke down. The box had a chunky, smiling baby being held by his gleaming mother. I grabbed the box and threw it way, took out the pads and placed them in my sanitary napkin pile. I wanted nothing more than to nurse my baby, nurture my Ethan. I had the constant reminder of physical pain that indeed there was no baby, but the milk kept flowing as if trying to keep up with the tears I was shedding. I remember sobbing in the shower, this was my safe place to cry, and looking down at my breast release the milk. It was one of the worst reminders of what I should have been doing, nursing my child. I did look up on the Internet how to dry out your milk and would find all of these nursing mother websites. Eventually, I managed to read a couple of them and concluded that tightly bounded breast would slow down the milk production, I did, with a huge ace wrap I had my husband bind my breast. I also read along the way that frozen cabbage leaves applied to the breast would lessen the pain. I tried this as well, did it work? I'm not sure, but the coldness did soothe somewhat. After about 1 month, the milk did stop flowing. Although, I continued to leak for quite some time after that.
May sweeps came and went, I didn't have the TV shows I was used to watching put me in a trance. Everything was changing, school was out, kids were playing outside, the sun was brighter and our days were painfully long. Outside everybody was happy, smiling, lives continued. Yet, mine and that of our family halted to a complete stop. We were all lost. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. I remember feeling completely at a loss. My house was in shambles, I was barely able to take care of Jason's needs. I didn't want to cry in front of him, yet I was crying all day long. Eventually, my husband returned to work. And I was home with Jason, alone with him. I didn't have the energy to take him outside to play, I didn't want to see anybody. But, I had to do something. I had to take care of him. So, my days consisted of searching and reading blogs, I started my own deadbabymama blog. I let Jason do the unthinkable, vegetate in front of the TV. Then I slowly began to get a routine going again, I started going to the YMCA. This was my way of letting Jason play with other kids while in the kid watch area. And I began walking then running. This was the only thing that would release the pressure building up in my chest, I wanted to scream, I felt as if my head would soon burst. I would blast the music in my ears and run, run and run. I was sweating and the sweat would mask my tears. I would listen to all of the music that I'd listen to during my pregnancy, and I would think of Ethan and cry because he was no longer here, he was dead. We'd stay there 2 hours a day. And this is how I spent those painfully long days of summer.
As the summer winds begin to make an appearance once again, I fear going through the same kind of summer I had last year. I fear the milk engorged breasts with no baby to nurse, I fear the long, dreadful summer days. I fear the look of Jason's eyes looking into mine and asking, "Mommy why did our baby die?"
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Baby showers, nurseries, labor ...
Everyone wants to ask me about these things.
Am I having a baby shower? NO
Have I picked out the nursery decor? Again, the answer is NO.
Where will I deliver, am I having an epidural? I will deliver at the same hospital where I delivered my other son. Where I delivered my dead son. Usually, that's enough to stop the pregnancy questions.
I know these are all part of the pregnancy interrogation, and they are not ill intentioned questions, but they bug me. I want to scream, "I'm freaking terrified, I'm afraid of this baby dying as well, I don't really know if this baby will live!" I had the baby shower last time, I had the nursery decor picked out and he still died. I know those things are not important. What's important, my sanity for starters. Controlling my gestational diabetes, monitoring my blood pressure, ask me about that.
The other day at work, one of the very pregnant respiratory therapists, came down and I cowered. I hid, I didn't want to see her nor did I want her to see my bump. I've been doing this a lot more, in public I hide my pregnant belly. Am I ashamed, no, I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't want people to see me pregnant again and ask me questions about this pregnancy, and if the unimaginable happens I don't want to explain why I don't have a living baby again. I know I sound crazy huh.
As my sister asked me a couple weeks ago, am I not happy. Well, of course I'm happy. I love this little girl so much. Of course I do she is my little girl, my little Lauren. Yes, I do get excited and actually let my mind go there, to the possibility that she will live. But, then my grief kicks in, the doubts, the fear all of it, it comes crashing down and I go back to my reality. I have already lost a son, he's dead and I'm not immune to the same thing happening again.
I am praying that this doesn't happen again. I am hopelessly in love with her. She is quite the kicker and mover. I am amazed with her movement. I love her, and love feeling her move inside. I have life again growing in my womb. But, I am scared, my womb proved to be a deadly tomb for Ethan. My body killed Ethan. I don't want it to happen again, actually that is an understatement I am begging my body, the universe, God to stop it from happening again. I am approaching 22 weeks this weekend, just 10 weeks before my world came crashing down on me last time. It is a constant countdown, 16-15 more weeks before I can be induced. But, will I make it? And Ethan's birthday is quickly approaching, May 23rd. It will be one year since I said Hello and Goodbye to Ethan. One year since I met him, held him, marveled at his beautiful face, his beautiful nose, his head full of black curls. There are times when I want to go back to that day, just to be able to hold him again. I wish I could go back to that day to take a picture of his feet, I saw them and I have footprints of his feet, but I never took a picture of his toes, his tiny feet.
The other day, I was able to talk about Ethan's birth without crying. I found myself wanting to tell Ethan's birth story. Someone made a comment about my pain tolerance and this impending birth and I stopped her in her tracks and reminded her that I have been through labor before. I labored to bring Ethan into this world, yes he was born, silently he was born into my awaiting arms. I've been through it before. I had given birth. Although, I didn't push him out, no he was taken from my womb, just the same way he was taken from us.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Why does it keep happening?
I get a call from my Mom yesterday, she told me my cousins wife delivered their son, he was stillborn. She was 36 weeks pregnant, uneventful pregnancy. She did not feel him move and went in to get checked and he had died. It was a cord accident. WHY????
We are first cousins, shouldn't they somehow be protected with statistics since it happened to me already. Of course not. We've all been there, the wrong side of the statistics. I hate when another baby dies. I wish Ethan would've been the last baby to die this way. It's horrible, and it happens all too frequently.
And what is the medical community doing about this? NOTHING. Every doctor I have spoken to, with a few exceptions, make it sound as if stillbirth is a thing of the past that happens sporadically. And I hate the phrase, "It was a fluke".
I just can't believe it. Our family has been struck again. Why???
I also had a mini freakout Saturday. She was moving... a lot. It scared me, it took me back to night before Ethan died. I checked her heartbeat and she was thumping nicely in the 150s. But, all the movement, it flooded my body with emotions I haven't felt recently. The grief came pouring in. Followed by the guilt. Could I have done something about it. Maybe if I had a doppler then, could I have detected a change in heart rate.
As if that wasn't enough, I thought what if all the doppler hearings are forcing her to move in such a way to get her cord tangled up into a true knot. Am I causing a true knot now? I was a mess. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of losing another baby. I don't know if I will survive. Then I think of little Jason, what will it do to him if this happens again. What will it do to my family?
We are first cousins, shouldn't they somehow be protected with statistics since it happened to me already. Of course not. We've all been there, the wrong side of the statistics. I hate when another baby dies. I wish Ethan would've been the last baby to die this way. It's horrible, and it happens all too frequently.
And what is the medical community doing about this? NOTHING. Every doctor I have spoken to, with a few exceptions, make it sound as if stillbirth is a thing of the past that happens sporadically. And I hate the phrase, "It was a fluke".
I just can't believe it. Our family has been struck again. Why???
I also had a mini freakout Saturday. She was moving... a lot. It scared me, it took me back to night before Ethan died. I checked her heartbeat and she was thumping nicely in the 150s. But, all the movement, it flooded my body with emotions I haven't felt recently. The grief came pouring in. Followed by the guilt. Could I have done something about it. Maybe if I had a doppler then, could I have detected a change in heart rate.
As if that wasn't enough, I thought what if all the doppler hearings are forcing her to move in such a way to get her cord tangled up into a true knot. Am I causing a true knot now? I was a mess. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of losing another baby. I don't know if I will survive. Then I think of little Jason, what will it do to him if this happens again. What will it do to my family?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Approaching 20 weeks...
And I am starting to get scared shitless. Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks, over the half way mark for me. I'm excited, yet extremely terrified of this baby dying. Although I have allowed myself to name this baby. My thought is, if something happens, I will need to name the baby anyway. I'm always afraid of testing fate again. I don't dare look at the baby aisle, on occasion I will browse online at baby stuff and then I jump back and think to myself I am getting way ahead of myself.
However, I am definitely looking very pregnant these days. I do marvel at my changing body once again, but only in private. Yet, now strangers are asking the ever present, question "Is this your first?" They all mean well I'm sure. But it stings so much, on the one hand, we have Jason. He's 6 years old, not biologically ours, but there is just no difference. Second, no this is not my first pregnancy, I also have a son, Ethan. Such a simple question, yet it elicits so many emotions.
As far as the pregnancy, all seems to be relatively well. I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. But, it is diet controlled and I'm doing pretty well. Dr. J wanted to test me early since I had GD last time. My hypertension is under control. Even at 32 weeks pregnant with Ethan, I was running systolic blood pressures in the one teens. I haven't gained much weight this time around, only 5 lbs. I attribute it to my diabetic diet. NO FUN :( But, overall all seems well.
We had our 18 week extensive ultrasound, and all looks well. 4 chamber heart, 2 kidneys, 10 toes and 10 fingers. And the baby weighs 9 ounces already. My parents came to visit the night before to accompany us to the ultrasound. It meant so much to me. The night before, my Dad bought a dozen roses and gave them to me. He said they were not for me but for his GRANDDAUGHTER ! Well, he was absolutely right. We are having a GIRL!!! We have decided to name our little girl,
Lauren Daniella. Daniella after my Dad.
However, I am definitely looking very pregnant these days. I do marvel at my changing body once again, but only in private. Yet, now strangers are asking the ever present, question "Is this your first?" They all mean well I'm sure. But it stings so much, on the one hand, we have Jason. He's 6 years old, not biologically ours, but there is just no difference. Second, no this is not my first pregnancy, I also have a son, Ethan. Such a simple question, yet it elicits so many emotions.
As far as the pregnancy, all seems to be relatively well. I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. But, it is diet controlled and I'm doing pretty well. Dr. J wanted to test me early since I had GD last time. My hypertension is under control. Even at 32 weeks pregnant with Ethan, I was running systolic blood pressures in the one teens. I haven't gained much weight this time around, only 5 lbs. I attribute it to my diabetic diet. NO FUN :( But, overall all seems well.
We had our 18 week extensive ultrasound, and all looks well. 4 chamber heart, 2 kidneys, 10 toes and 10 fingers. And the baby weighs 9 ounces already. My parents came to visit the night before to accompany us to the ultrasound. It meant so much to me. The night before, my Dad bought a dozen roses and gave them to me. He said they were not for me but for his GRANDDAUGHTER ! Well, he was absolutely right. We are having a GIRL!!! We have decided to name our little girl,
Lauren Daniella. Daniella after my Dad.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Quick update
Well, I just returned from my OB's office. I completed the 1 hour glucose tolerance test. And I received the results of my repeat antibodies test. They are still present, still nonspecific and my Dr's partner assured me they checked for all of the antibodies which could possible affect the baby and they are not there. YAY!!!!! She said sometimes they are transient antibodies and mean nothing to a pregnancy. She reassured me and told me not to worry. They will repeat the test at 28 weeks.
I'm relieved! Now I'm off to my scheduled massage appointment.
I'm relieved! Now I'm off to my scheduled massage appointment.
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