This is my story...

Big Brother Jason

2011-08-23T22:29:00.000-04:00

Last week while eating lunch with Jason and Lauren, I got a glimpse of Jason's ongoing grief. We were all sitting down, when suddenly Lauren decided to get out of her seat. Yeah, she's a big girl now and wants nothing to do with her high chair, or plastic forks and spoons or anything "baby". Anyway, she suddenly jumps out of her chair, doesn't listen to either Jason or me telling her to finish lunch. We are trying to instill in her to stay in her seat. Which of course is an impossible task for a 2 year old to master. In the meantime, Lauren is giving us her big smile and disregarding any instruction to remain seated. Jason and I were trying not to laugh, but it's very hard not to do so. Defeated, we burst out laughing and begin to hug her and kiss her. Then suddenly, Jason's laughter became cries, sobs, raw grief. I asked him what was wrong and he responded, "I miss Ethan".

Heartwrenching. Watching his grief, ugggh it's a double whammy. I hurt because he's hurting. I want to take it away. But, I know he will also always miss Ethan and he has his own grief journey that he also has to maneuver. There are times, when I only think about my grief, my pain, my hurt that I forget he was a 5 year old little boy that was eager to finally have a baby brother. He was so excited to have his little brother arrive in early July. And his world was also shattered on May 21st when we found out our baby had died. He also has a part of him that is missing, and his name is Ethan.

As hard as it was to witness his pain, it was also reassuring to know that I'm not the only one that misses him. We all miss him, my parents, my siblings, my nieces so many people. He was only here 32 weeks but left an impression on so many people, his tiny footprints definitely left imprints in our hearts. And I will continue to talk about him and bring him up as much as I can, because even though he is not physically here, he will always be a part of our lives. Even Lauren, will point to his picture on our dresser and say, "Ethan". I love it.

Ethan, we love and miss you so much my little pumpkin. Your big brother, misses you so much. We love you Ethan!

Happy Birthday Ethan!

2011-05-24T10:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Ethan's 3rd Birthday. We went to our favorite cupcake shop and bought 5 cupcakes, one for every person in our family. Yes, Ethan also got a cupcake. And Mommy is the one that got to eat it.We went to the cemetery and sang Happy Birthday to our Ethan. It was a bittersweet day, full of tears, memories and an overwhelming longing to hold him in my arms. Yet, I wanted to celebrate my baby, his life, 32 weeks in my womb. He brought us so much happiness, and when I think of him, I smile.

Ethan,
My sweet baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish you were here to celebrate your life, your birthday with us. I know your brother misses you too. He talks about you often, and this makes me so happy. You're not physically here but you are an important part of our lives. Lauren, also knows who you are. She points to your picture on my dresser and says, "Bebe". I'm working on your name with her. My sweet Ethan, I wish I could go back to May 23rd, 2008 to hold you again, to kiss you and kiss your toesies. I want to hold you my baby. I miss you so much. I have learned to live with the pain of not haivng you here, but at times it's so hard. I love you more than words can say.
Love, Mommy

Just once...

2011-03-07T09:53:00.012-05:00

Why can't I be "normal" and have a happy ending like everyone else. But, who am I kidding. It's me, nothing ever goes the way it should. I'm always on the other side of the statistics, the one that gets told, "I'm sorry, but...". Arggh. Yes, I'm angry and pissed and hurt. I want to lash out at everyone. I am screaming, WHY WHY WHY?

On Feb 8th, I was at work. I had just come back from attending my niece's baby shower over the weekend. My Mom insisted I was pregnant. In my head, I thought, "No, I'm not". It's me, infertile, need fertility drugs and IUI to get pregnant. Then, I began to check my calendar and yes it had been a while since my last period. Nothing unusual given my history of PCOS. Although, all of 2010 I was predictable every 40 days or so. So, I checked, I peed on a stick and to my surprise, pleasant surprise, I saw a very light pink 2nd line. Could it really be? No, it can't. All of these years and we've never been able to conceive without the aid of fertility drugs. But, there it was, 2nd line. I call my husband, excited, gitty, full of hope. I told him the news and he too was surprised, but ecstatic. Here's the thing. We were planning on seeing our fertility doctor in February. And here we were February 8th and we were pregnant. Oh the excitement of that day. I felt like as if I had won the lottery, nah better than that. I was the happiest most blessed person, or so I thought.

Of course, I called my niece and told her. We told my sister in law. I felt fine, I thought, this time I'm going to try to be like all of the other women, I want to immerse myself in the bliss of pregnancy, I need to calm down and not worry about every single thing. People get pregnant all the time, and go on to have healthy pregnancies and live babies. This is a gift and I'm going to enjoy it, every step of the way.

But, as you can probably tell by the tone of this post. It didn't turn out as I had hoped, I miscarried my "miracle" baby. I had an ultrasound done by a friend who needed pregnant models. I felt confident and volunteered to be her pregnant model. I went in on the Sunday before my first scheduled OB appt. that following Thurs. I was certain everything was going to be fine. But, we couldn't see a heartbeat. We saw a gestational sac, fetal pole but no heartbeat. She tried to reassure me, that it was too early. I was measuring 6w3d. But, I knew it wasn't. With both Ethan and Lauren, we could see their heartbeat at 6weeks. But, again I wanted to be "normal" and went along with it. I told myself, I haven't been cramping or bleeding. My HCG levels early on were fine, on the high side actually. My progesterone level was great. I was doing everything on my end, Lovenox injections check, progesterone injections check. I had even started following my diabetic diet from before since I had gestational diabetes. Blood sugars were great. Blood pressure was stellar. "Yes, everything would be just fine", I thought.

Thursday arrived, my husband accompanied me to our doctor's office. The first person we saw was the sonographer, she performed an abdominal ultrasound, and there was the sac but that's it. Maybe a shadow of a fetal pole. I made her do a transvaginal ultrasound, and NOTHING. She also said maybe it was too early. I was still measuring 6w and a couple days. Utter devastation had set in at this point. I saw the nurse practitioner and she confirmed my worst fears. It appeared I had miscarried. We talked about my options. I opted to wait and come in for a repeat ultrasound a couple days later. I was still holding on to hope. I went home that day and cried all weekend. I called my OB on Monday and decided to have a D&C, but wanted to make sure I indeed had miscarried. We went in and again nothing, the fetal pole I saw was now almost gone, reabsorbed I imagine. We talked about the risks of the D&C, I asked her if she thought this would damage my uterus, she reassured me she would be extremely cautious. I just couldn't bear the thought of miscarrying at home, the pain, the passing of my baby. I couldn't do it. Plus, I wanted to have chromosomal testing done.

I had the D&C March 8th at the same hospital where Ethan was born and Lauren was born. All the memories of losing Ethan rushed through me, and here I was again... I'm doing better now (April 11th, it took me a while to finally post this), physically I recovered fairly fast. Emotionally, I'm taking it day by day. We did get the results of the chromosomal testing, 46XX. We would've had a girl. I have mixed feelings about the "normal" results, if chromosomally everything was fine, why did I miscarry? It's not fair. Life isn't fair!

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T17:02:00.002-05:00

Feb 14, 2008

I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was 18 weeks pregnant with Ethan. We went to our MFM appointment for our 18 week ultrasound. 4 chamber heart, 2 kidneys, 1 stomach and he was a BOY!!! We were over the moon! A boy! We went to lunch after our ultrasound, after all we had plenty to celebrate, Valentine's Day and a healthy baby boy!

Happy Valentine's Day my sweet baby boy, I wish you were here. I'd kiss you and hug you and would give you all of the chocolate your little heart desired. I miss you so much! 3 years ago I found out you were a boy. And oh how my heart aches for you my sweet baby boy. I love you Ethan!
Always Mommy

Conversation with a 3rd grader

2010-10-05T10:12:00.004-04:00

Oct. 3, 2010
5pmish
This is a conversation I had with my son, while shopping:

My son: Mommy, you know Reed had a brother before and he died.

Me: Oh really, I didn't know. Was he younger than Reed.

My son: I don't know, but I know he died just like ours.

I Pause. This takes my breath away... We check out, now we're in the car driving.

Me: So, how did you find out about Reed's brother dying.

My son: My other friend told me, his brother died just like Ethan did. I think it was his umbilical cord, too.

Me: So, how did you guys start talking about this?

My son: Oh, in religion. Andy my friend always says a special prayer for his brother in heaven.

Me: Do you do the same for your brother?

My son: Yes, I just say "special mention", and that's it. I don't say anything else but I'm thinking of Ethan. I don't want anyone to ask me more about it.

Missing Ethan...

2010-10-01T15:03:00.006-04:00

There is something about fall, the leaves changing colors, falling onto the ground, cool fall winds...all of it, remind me of Ethan. It reminds me of the giddiness I had back during the fall of 2007 when my baby was conceived, then 2008 rolled around, and I welcomed the fall, I was tired of the summer weather, the never ending sunlight. I wanted the colder weather, it matched what I felt inside. I thought maybe a change of season would end the hell I had just entered, the hell of grief after losing my baby. But, it didn't. And now, fall makes me yearn for my baby, I miss him so much. I wish he were here, I miss him so much.

Last night, I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a line that I can really relate to, Meredith was talking about a tragedy they've all endured and the reaction of one of the other characters and she says something along the lines of, "She's not crazy. Sure a crazy thing happened to her, but her reaction was pretty normal..." So true. I think many times, even now, some of my "friends" think I'm crazy or even cringe when I talk about my son and how much I miss him. I'm not crazy, mourning is a normal reaction to death and there is no expiration date on mourning. It has been over 2 years and I am still in mourning over the death of Ethan. I will always mourn him. He was my baby, and will always be my baby. I am his mother and will continue to "parent" him, even if he is not physically present. He lives in my heart. My parenting now consists of keeping up with this blog, tending to his grave, mentioning his name, saying I have THREE children, and it will continue until the day I die.

2 years ago...

2010-05-20T10:35:00.004-04:00

If only I could turn back time, I would go back to this day May 20,2008. Ethan was still alive. We went on a field trip with our son, Jason, who was in Kindergarten at the time. We went to the state fairgrounds, saw different farm animals, a pregnant horse. I was feeling so good. I was pregnant after months of infertility treatments. I was on top of the world. I was glowing, I was so HAPPY. I even remember what I had on, a pair of black maternity capris with a beautiful black, white and red kimono like maternity top. BUT, something was wrong. Only then I didn't even realize it. I had no clue. In hindsight, Ethan wasn't moving as much. I told myself I'm 32 weeks, there is not enough room in there. He's not going to move as much. This now kills me, it haunts me. If only I knew. After our field trip, we went to our OB. It was our first appointment with her. I was seeing a perinotologist up until then. But it was gruelling to see the perinatologist, she was also pregnant and I no longer was seeing her. It would take 4 hours of waiting to see a doctor for a 5 minute appointment. So, I called my OB/GYN to see if she would accept me as a patient. She did, I was ecstatic.

I remember this day so clearly. I saw her nurse first, was taken back promptly. Then sat in a very comfortable leather recliner while she went over my history with me. Then she walked me into the room, where I saw Dr. J. Everybody exclaimed, "You look great, you're glowing!". This I was, I was over the moon. Dr. J examined me, we heard Ethan's heart rate 140. She asked if he was moving, and at that moment I said "YES". Because he did move quite a bit, but not enough that day. I didn't mention it, because I thought everything was fine. BUT, IF ONLY I WOULD'VE SPOKEN UP. I SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING. IT WAS SO STUPID AND DUMB OF ME. I felt reassured after I heard his heartbeat. Dr. J went on to explain that she would not let me go past 39 weeks and would begin NST that Friday. We talked about labor, induction and epidurals. I left the office feeling confident, excited and full of hope. We would soon have a baby boy.

That night, after I put Jason to bed. I looked and marveled at all of the information given to me. Signs and symptoms of labor, what to expect at the upcoming visits, some advertisements of pregnancy photography. Just different handouts my OB's office gave me. I wanted to hold on to that feeling forever, I loved being pregnant. I decided I wanted to take maternity photographs. I wanted to capture the moment.

The thought lingered, he's not moving. Then wham, movement. Lots of movement. I saw my belly moving and twisting. I thought it was cool, and began to look for my camera. I couldn't find it. I called my husband and told him that the baby had finally moved after a very quiet day, we talked about it for a while. I told him, I wish you could see my belly right now. I decided to listen to his heartbeat with my stethoscope. I tried but didn't hear anything. He was moving all over the place, I could see the ripple wave in my belly. I felt confident he was OK, after all he was moving. I went to bed in pure bliss. We were having a baby boy, Ethan would be his name.

"La Llorona"

2010-04-07T09:37:00.002-04:00

La Llorona, or the weeping lady is a tale I heard of many times when I was growing up. There are many versions to this story, the one I heard when I was a child was of a woman whose children died and she forever roams at night, crying, weeping for her dead children. My Mom always warned us to behave or La Llorona would come and take us. As a child, I had an image of her, black long hair, in a white night gown crying inconsolably for her dead children. It was a terrifying image. Now of course, I think of La Llorona and I think of myself.

Yesterday after I got off work, I got in my car and felt happy. The sun was out, the trees are blooming, new life is all around me. Then, it hit me. Ethan isn't here. I, like La Llorona, was driving and sobbing, deep cries erupting from me, desperation because my son is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. Two years are approaching, and I can't believe he's not here. Why. Why did it happen. It took me about 15 minutes to get home, and I couldn't stop crying. I thought of how horrific I looked to other drivers. But, I couldn't help it. This is what ongoing grief looks like, smiling on the outside and weeping on the inside and sometimes, erupting in sobs and tears. I finally arrived home safely, and my husband knew. He said nothing, hugged me and wiped my tears. I greeted everyone, kissed and carried Lauren, kissed lil Jason and life goes on.

Ethan, I miss you so much. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking of you. You are forever in my heart. I love you sweet baby boy! Mommy misses you!

Here. Breathing. Grateful.

2010-03-19T21:43:00.009-04:00

I've been a horrible blogger these past 8 months. I've been thinking of all of you. I find myself driving, thinking, feeling and planning to write a post. Then, chaos, delicious chaos comes knocking on my door.

We are all here. Healthy. Thank God for that. Lauren is growing so quickly, she's not my tiny little baby girl. Jason is still in love with her. They are growing so fast.

But, then it hits me. 22 months. That's how old my Ethan would've been right now. I try to imagine my life with him and Jason and Lauren. Yes, I think, it would've been fine and we would've managed just fine. I miss him terribly. Every fiber of my being misses him. It's hard to breathe sometimes. It comes out of nowhere. Feels like I've been hit by a truck. I try to fight it, but I can't. The tears come rolling down my face. I miss him so much and I realize that as long as I'm living I will continue to miss him. Sometimes I feel like the more time that passes the more my longing for him increases.

For a long time, I avoided the baby aisles at the stores. Looked away from anything "baby", then I was blessed and was pregnant with Lauren. I still couldn't fathom anything "baby", in fear of testing fate. But, she lives and we are all over the baby aisles at Target, Kohl.s, etc. I pinch myself, really. It has happened for us again. We have a live baby, and then my eyes look over onto the boy clothes, toys, etc. And I wonder, I wonder how Ethan would look in a certain outfit, if he would've enjoyed playing with this or that. I'm in baby land, loving it and longing for Ethan. I miss him, I want to scream, I want to cry out but most of all I want to hold him in my arms.

He would've been 2 years old this year. 2 years old. I can't believe it, I was pregnant and my baby died. Sometimes, I hear myself telling his story and can't believe we survived it. We have emerged as different human beings. Better human beings. Yes, Ethan made us better. That's how I see his short life and death. But, dammit it hurts just as much as did the first day. Even more sometimes, now that the shock has worn off and we feel his absence.

Still here

2009-10-26T23:21:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in a while. There is so much to say, yet I can't seem to articulate it. Call it hormones, sleep deprivation or just raw grief. I'm here. Happy. Sad. At times, unable to catch my breath. Unable to accept at times, this...my story. Why????

The eternal question. WHY????

Could I have done something to catch it on time? Did he have pain as he was dying in my womb. Did he know how much I loved him? I miss him so much. I see his face in Lauren's face. The resemblance, at times comforting, other times agonizing. I'm happy she's a girl, and still I see him in her. At times, my mind plays games on me, I see her and I feel him. Crazy. They are so much alike.

Lauren. She is beautiful, sweet and growing so fast. We are all so happy. I am so blessed to have her here, alive and well.

I get a call the other day, one of the doctors I work with wanted to ask a favor of me. She asks me if she can give my information to one of her friends. She delivered her baby girl, born still that day. 38 weeks gestation, another damn cord accident. It angers me, why? Why does it keep happening. Babies born still, I hate it.

Pictorial post

2009-09-20T17:14:00.002-04:00

Finally figured out how to post pictures!!!!

2009-09-20T16:49:00.004-04:00

I'm here, it's been a while since I've posted. There is so much to share, yet I can't seem to find the time to do so.

We are all well. We are loving parenting Lauren. She is adorable, easy going and so freaking cute. OK, I know I'm a bit biased but she is.

Here is a picture of me, at 35 weeks pregnant. A week before her birth. I wanted to take prenatal photographs with Ethan but I never had the chance. Looking at this photograph is bittersweet, I remember being pregnant with Ethan and Lauren. I miss those times, being pregnant, and then I think to myself, "What is wrong with you? You were a mess? Always wondering whether this baby would be born alive" But, I do, I miss it. I miss being pregnant. I miss having her and of course, him inside of me.

I try not to think about the sad memories, but it is impossible. I now realize that life is intertwined with death. And more so, with us, deadbabymamas whom have had subsequent pregnancies. I will have to write more about this later. In the meantime, I will leave you all with a picture of Jason and Lauren. She was 4 weeks old here.

Our baby has arrived :)

2009-07-14T19:52:00.002-04:00

Lauren Daniella entered our world July 11th at 1151. She weighed 6 lbs. 13 oz and is 18.5 inches long. Labor went well. Epidurals are the absolute best. She is so beautiful and we feel so blessed. Little Jason is so happy and I'm sure her brother Ethan is also smiling down on us :)

Thank you all for all of your support during the last few days of my pregnancy. There were some days that I had no clue how to survive. Thank you again.

Will post pictures relatively soon.

Much love to all of you.

While cementing our induction date...

2009-07-08T11:17:00.002-04:00

Yes, as we were there with the nurse, she was writing us into the Friday induction schedule, I happened to look at the name next to ours. Yes, I'm nosy, but in my defense she was a slow writer and it gave me plenty of time to glance at the schedule book. Anyway, I looked at the name next to ours and there was a name of a patient. Under her history section, it read "Stillborn at 38 weeks", that's it. She will also be there Friday evening to begin her labor induction.

I am amazed and shocked and saddened by how often this happens. WHY??? I hate it. It made me think how much we are more similar to one another than not. Everyone knows of someone who has suffered the loss of a child due to stillbirth. I HATE IT!!!!

In the meantime, I will be praying and hoping for all of us mothers who have once again (thankfully) are pregnant and ready to deliver. May WE all have safe and healthy deliveries. Thinking of all of you. And wishing everyone strength and peace.

Amnio, contractions, etc...

2009-07-07T19:15:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm home now. After spending all day at the hospital, I am finally home. Nope the lungs were not mature yet. Apparently, my gestational diabetes has affected my little girl lungs. Arggg. So, we were there ALL day, my OB and MFM went back and forth and finally came to the decision to induce me Friday evening. Today and the next 3 days, the risk for developing respiratory distress syndrome is 10% and neither of them felt comfortable inducing me just yet.

The amnio was very, very painful. Now I know what a contraction feels like. OUCH!!! It was difficult to obtain because her head was wedged in my pelvis and she couldn't find any other pockets of fluid. I'm glad that's over. It hurt like hell, but at least I know now that we should be relatively safe for delivery Saturday.

Amazingly, I feel quite comfortable with this. Perhaps it's my background, Peds emergency room nurse, I know what RDS looks like and all that it can entail. I don't want to see my little girl on a ventilator or any other assisted breathing device. I want her well and alive, I want to hold her in my arms once she is born, not whisked away to the NICU and poked and prodded. But, then on the flip side, the thought is there. Lingering. What if something happens in the next couple days until Friday. It's a no win situation. I just hope we've all made the right decision.

Quote of the day

2009-07-02T18:15:00.005-04:00

I read this on another blogger's blog http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/ , I'm going to borrow it Niki. Thanks.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles; it empties today of it's strengths"

I know I need to repeat this to myself over and over again. I'm a worried hot mess. I have been checking her heartbeat all day today. I am so scared, so scared of being this close and BAM something happens. This crap happens everyday. I am poking and prodding at her, I was on the verge of calling my OB and begging for her to take the baby early. 5 more days. I have to remember this, only 5 more days. BUT, I am freaking out. I don't want to lose her. Then I worry about it being a holiday weekend. See when Ethan died last year it was right before Memorial Day. I have this thing about holiday weekends. I know, I'm losing it. Can time just fly by, please. I want it to be Tuesday July 7th already. I want a guarantee that she will still be alive. Oh God, please help me!

Curve Ball #1

2009-07-01T15:11:00.002-04:00

Yes, I'm anticipating more of these. I just came back from my MFM appt. had my final BPP and growth ultrasound. And guess what? My baby girl, with lots of hair, has decided to flip into a breech position. Complete breech. Not transverse, head is up by my ribs.

I knew something was different yesterday. I woke up and was able to walk without the round ligament pain, the pelvic pressure, all in all I was feeling great. I called and told my husband I thought she was breech because the pelvic pressure was gone. Then I felt something in my ribs and thought, well maybe she isn't.

Well, she is breech. One week away from scheduled induction. Oh well, if I have to have a C section, I'm OK with that. I just want her alive and well.

Oh and her estimated weight, 6 lbs 10 oz, 77th percentile. Wow! She's pretty big isn't she for 35 weeks 3days.

I'll keep all of you posted.

35 weeks 1 day

2009-06-29T06:57:00.002-04:00

I've come this far. I am so ready to hold my baby girl in my arms. There are times when I let myself go there, to the possibility that she will come into my arms, breathing and alive.

Here is the plan per my OB, amnio next week Tuesday to assess lung maturity. If lungs are mature, induce the next day. One more week, I can't wait. I hope her lungs are mature. Although, I do enjoy feeling her kicks and movements inside my womb, I am ready to meet her.

Also, her lovely head is now resting in my pelvis and boy does that hurt. When I walk I feel the pressure of her in my pelvis, I feel my round ligaments stretching and let me tell you, it's no walk in the park. I was checked on Friday, and yes I'm already dilated 1 cm, but my cervix is long, not effaced at all. She said she wouldn't mind if I went into labor on my own. She's not the only one.

I've also become quite sensitive these past couple weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat. And the fatigue, it's come back with a vengeance. I just have one more day of work, of course after today and then I'm officially on FMLA.

Uggg, I want this week to fly by, I want my baby girl here. I can't wait, then I think of all the things that might go wrong. And I begin to tremble in fear. I don't want to go there, but I know it can happen. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind at times. How have you guys done it, the deadbabymamas, during a subsequent pregnancy. How do you hold it together?

Dream

2009-06-16T08:59:00.002-04:00

I'm in a South American jungle, riding in a jeep or something similar. We get a flat tire. We pull up next to a bus station waiting area, I get out of the car. My OB Dr. J and Russell Crowe are there. I lay in the bus stop waiting area, I ask my sister to cover it up with blankets. I lay down on the bench, I'm in labor. But, it doesn't hurt. I reach down, in between my legs, I feel the moist, soft, pliable skull of my baby girl. I push as much as I can, and there she is. Alive, breathing, slick. I am caressing her, drying her off. She is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful and she's alive. I wipe the blood off her, I can see her cord, no knot. She's in my arms. She looks just like I imagined her to look. I'm so happy, ecstatic actually. The feeling of her weight in my arms is magical.

I wake up, it was a dream.

32 weeks, 1 day

2009-06-08T07:34:00.003-04:00

Yes, I've made it to the elusive date. And she's still alive, so far. Ethan died at exactly 32 weeks. I woke up and didn't realize, but by 32 weeks, 1 day he was dead.

This morning, I woke up and listened to her heartbeat. It was there...exhale. I don't know what I was expecting, but she's alive. Thank God, I have a NST today at 9:30am. It's reassuring. I love listening to her heartbeat. Although at times, it's difficult to differentiate hers from mine. Lately, my heart is beating so fast, it can easily be mistaken for a fetal heart rate.

She's moving and kicking right now. I love her, keep on moving is my mantra these days. I am now having NSTs twice a week and a weekly biophysical profile every Wednesday. Does it help, yes somewhat. But, I just want her here, alive and breathing.

A letter to my son, Ethan

2009-05-23T22:57:00.003-04:00

Dearest Ethan,
My beloved son, a year ago you were born. You were born silenty at 1:29pm. You weighed 4 lbs 3 oz. and were 18 inches long. It was the hardest thing I had to do, to deliver your lifeless body into our awaiting arms. But it was also one of the best things I have done. It was one of the happiest days of my life, we finally were able to meet you. To see your beautiful face, we felt your beautiful curls. My precious Ethan, you looked just like Mommy. You were alive in my womb for 32 weeks, and they were the best weeks of my life. I still remember talking to you in the elevator at work. I remember how you would move and wiggle during my meetings, presentations at work. I love you and it comforts me to know that you felt this love. This I know for sure.

Today we celebrated your life, and as your big brother said, "We are celebrating his life and birth". Your big brother woke up today happy and excited, his first words this morning were "Mommy today is Ethan's birthday". It was a bittersweet day my love. Oh how we wish we would be able to blow out your 1st birthday candle with you. We were not given that opportunity but we thank God for allowing us the time we did have with you. We cherish those 32 weeks.

Your grandparents also came to visit for this very special day. It was a nice day, although a bit cloudy. We sat there and ate cupcakes to celebrate YOU. Your big brother blew out your candle after we sang Happy Birthday. Earlier in the day, he told me, "Mommy, it's kinda hard to celebrate a birthday when the person has died. I just want to be able to tell Ethan Happy Birthday, but he's not here". He's absolutely right. He also said you were going to have a big party in Heaven for your birthday, and you were probably playing the baby limbo with all of the clouds stringed together. He misses you tremendously.

I'm glad you entered our lives, and baby you continue to have a place in our family and will live forever in our hearts. You are my baby, my precious Ethan. We love you so much. Happy Birthday my love!

A year ago today...

2009-05-21T11:28:00.005-04:00

I entered into this hellish nightmare. I remember so clearly, I was at work. Busy, I was in charge of the ED. And of course, I am taking care of the sickest kid in the department. We were waiting for the neurosurgeon to take him into surgery. His blood pressure was high, his heart rate was low. He was only 2 years old. He was a former 26 weeker. His mother noticed I was pregnant and asked how far along I was, I responded "32 weeks" and she said I had nothing to worry about, if he was born then his chances for survival would be great. I took comfort in her statement, I knew this to be true. In the meantime, her son is deteriorating. I am calling the neurosurgeon non stop. I finally get an estimated time for the OR. It is now around 1230 ish, I realize the baby hasn't moved. Or maybe he has, but I was so busy I didn't notice. We order lunch and I finally sit to eat, or rather inhale my food. I even drink a regular Sprite. I tell one of the other nurses, who by the way happens to be pregnant as well, she goes to the adult ED and borrows their doppler. We go into one of the rooms and ask another nurse to help us hear fetal heart tones. She goes first, it's there about 140. Then we proceed to me, and nothing. No fetal heart tones. After trying for like what seemed an eternity, we stop. I go into the break room and call my OB. I'm crying now, but I manage to call my husband. He was at our son's school picking him up. I ask him to pick me up, I know I can't manage to drive there.

He arrives, he's worried too. We are interrupted by an old college acquaintance, she's there with her son. We talk to her quickly. We leave the hospital premises, we are on the way there. I tell my husband to stop and pick up something for Jason to eat. In my mind, I'm thinking we will have to go to the hospital perhaps for a non stress test or something. It enters my mind that perhaps something is wrong but I'm not thinking he has died. I just couldn't imagine it, not on the way there. We arrive, the nurse greets me. She tries to listen to his heartbeat, NOTHING. I am taken over to the ultrasound room, and there he is, lifeless. No heartbeat. I knew it then, Ethan had died. I hear talking, my head is spinning, I'm crying, asking for my husband. The ultrasound technician brings him in, we are taken into another room, shortly after that Dr. J walks in. I don't want my son to see me like this, I ask them not to bring him in. I can't comprehend what is going on, it doesn't feel real. I'm asking her what happened, she's sitting and telling me she doesn't know. I don't know how long we are there. We finally leave, Jason was sitting in the nurses station coloring. He looks terrified. I try to gain composure for his sake. We manage to drive home.

Upon our arrival, I am greeted in the living room with all of the shower gifts from a few weeks ago. We take Jason into the family room and tell him his little brother has died. He doesn't look at me, he braces me and doesn't let go. I hear his sobs, he's crying uncontrollaby. My then 5 year old has just entered this hellish nightmare as well. He's asking why did our baby died. We have no answers.

The nightmare has begun. We have phone calls to make, family to tell, arrangements to make. We try to maintain normalcy for Jason's sake. We take comfort in our mundane tasks, giving Jason a bath, bedtime routine. We finally go to sleep, hoping to be awakened from this nightmare. Only that never happens. I am wide awake at 2am, sobbing, looking at my belly asking "WHY????"

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-09T18:01:00.003-04:00

We had an ultrasound and biophysical profile Thursday. All appears well for the time being. Our baby girl is weighing in at 2 lbs 8 ounces, she's in the 47th percentile. Not bad, I'm so afraid my gestational diabetes will affect her and will make her so big she won't be able to pass through the birth canal. Then I think of the possible things that can go wrong, shoulder distocia, anoxic brain injury, and the list goes on and on. That's the bad thing about knowing a little bit of information, it can be dangerous. I do think ignorance is bliss at times. We will have another ultrasound in 3 weeks to continue to monitor her growth.

On to other news, I had a bit of a scare last week, I was directly exposed to H1N1 virus. One of my patients coughed on my face as I was bending over to take his temperature. And of course, he tested positive for the flu virus. Just my luck huh. I'm on antivirals right now, I'm sure all is well, since I just passed the incubation period and nothing, no symptoms. Just one more day of the antiviral. I'm telling you, I must be a shit magnet. Then my employer informed me that I have to be reassigned to another area because the CDC recommends that pregnant health care workers be reassigned to non patient contact areas until further recommendation. I'm OK with this, I've already been exposed and don't want to take any chances.

I've had a rough past 2 weeks, lots of stress, Ethan's anniversary just right around the corner and oh yeah, my parents are on the verge of divorce after 45 years of marriage. I don't even want to get into the whole thing. I just wake up every morning and pray that I can get through the day. It's getting better, I'm here, surviving once again. I realize that although my parents impending divorce is difficult, NOTHING compares to the pain of losing your child.

Today on the eve of Mother's Day, I remember Ethan. I remember last years Mother's Day, all of the joy, the anticipation of holding my baby boy. I was 30 weeks pregnant last year, how I wish I would've known I only had 2 weeks left with him. I would've caressed my belly more, I would've told him how much I loved him. There's so much I wish I knew then. I would've tried to save his life.

To you my friends, I wish you a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Summer winds

2009-04-27T09:06:00.005-04:00

We've had exceptionally warm weather here in the Midwest. I hear the birds chirping in the early morning and see the sun rising on my way to work. Normally, the transition from winter to spring/summer was something I looked forward to, something I would eagerly anticipate every year. But lately, it's a reminder of what last year's spring/summer meant to me. It marked the beginning of my grief journey, the beginning of feeling the most immense pain of my life. It marks the death of Ethan.

I remember so clearly, the warm wind on my tear moistened cheeks, my swollen eyes, I looked like a boxer the day after a big match. I wanted to be away from it, away from the sunlight. I wanted to recluse in the solitude of my bedroom, but I couldn't. I had Jason to look after. He kept me going. He was also broken. After the funeral everyone returned to their lives, me I was just beginning my new life, the life of a mother of a dead baby.

Not was I just learning how to function in my new reality, I was also experiencing engorged breasts. My body apparently didn't know I had no baby to nurse. My boobs were hard as rocks. I had to wear nursery pads, I remember when my husband returned from the grocery store with the box of them, I broke down. The box had a chunky, smiling baby being held by his gleaming mother. I grabbed the box and threw it way, took out the pads and placed them in my sanitary napkin pile. I wanted nothing more than to nurse my baby, nurture my Ethan. I had the constant reminder of physical pain that indeed there was no baby, but the milk kept flowing as if trying to keep up with the tears I was shedding. I remember sobbing in the shower, this was my safe place to cry, and looking down at my breast release the milk. It was one of the worst reminders of what I should have been doing, nursing my child. I did look up on the Internet how to dry out your milk and would find all of these nursing mother websites. Eventually, I managed to read a couple of them and concluded that tightly bounded breast would slow down the milk production, I did, with a huge ace wrap I had my husband bind my breast. I also read along the way that frozen cabbage leaves applied to the breast would lessen the pain. I tried this as well, did it work? I'm not sure, but the coldness did soothe somewhat. After about 1 month, the milk did stop flowing. Although, I continued to leak for quite some time after that.

May sweeps came and went, I didn't have the TV shows I was used to watching put me in a trance. Everything was changing, school was out, kids were playing outside, the sun was brighter and our days were painfully long. Outside everybody was happy, smiling, lives continued. Yet, mine and that of our family halted to a complete stop. We were all lost. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. I remember feeling completely at a loss. My house was in shambles, I was barely able to take care of Jason's needs. I didn't want to cry in front of him, yet I was crying all day long. Eventually, my husband returned to work. And I was home with Jason, alone with him. I didn't have the energy to take him outside to play, I didn't want to see anybody. But, I had to do something. I had to take care of him. So, my days consisted of searching and reading blogs, I started my own deadbabymama blog. I let Jason do the unthinkable, vegetate in front of the TV. Then I slowly began to get a routine going again, I started going to the YMCA. This was my way of letting Jason play with other kids while in the kid watch area. And I began walking then running. This was the only thing that would release the pressure building up in my chest, I wanted to scream, I felt as if my head would soon burst. I would blast the music in my ears and run, run and run. I was sweating and the sweat would mask my tears. I would listen to all of the music that I'd listen to during my pregnancy, and I would think of Ethan and cry because he was no longer here, he was dead. We'd stay there 2 hours a day. And this is how I spent those painfully long days of summer.

As the summer winds begin to make an appearance once again, I fear going through the same kind of summer I had last year. I fear the milk engorged breasts with no baby to nurse, I fear the long, dreadful summer days. I fear the look of Jason's eyes looking into mine and asking, "Mommy why did our baby die?"

Baby showers, nurseries, labor ...

2009-03-26T19:19:00.005-04:00

Everyone wants to ask me about these things.

Am I having a baby shower? NO

Have I picked out the nursery decor? Again, the answer is NO.

Where will I deliver, am I having an epidural? I will deliver at the same hospital where I delivered my other son. Where I delivered my dead son. Usually, that's enough to stop the pregnancy questions.

I know these are all part of the pregnancy interrogation, and they are not ill intentioned questions, but they bug me. I want to scream, "I'm freaking terrified, I'm afraid of this baby dying as well, I don't really know if this baby will live!" I had the baby shower last time, I had the nursery decor picked out and he still died. I know those things are not important. What's important, my sanity for starters. Controlling my gestational diabetes, monitoring my blood pressure, ask me about that.

The other day at work, one of the very pregnant respiratory therapists, came down and I cowered. I hid, I didn't want to see her nor did I want her to see my bump. I've been doing this a lot more, in public I hide my pregnant belly. Am I ashamed, no, I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't want people to see me pregnant again and ask me questions about this pregnancy, and if the unimaginable happens I don't want to explain why I don't have a living baby again. I know I sound crazy huh.

As my sister asked me a couple weeks ago, am I not happy. Well, of course I'm happy. I love this little girl so much. Of course I do she is my little girl, my little Lauren. Yes, I do get excited and actually let my mind go there, to the possibility that she will live. But, then my grief kicks in, the doubts, the fear all of it, it comes crashing down and I go back to my reality. I have already lost a son, he's dead and I'm not immune to the same thing happening again.

I am praying that this doesn't happen again. I am hopelessly in love with her. She is quite the kicker and mover. I am amazed with her movement. I love her, and love feeling her move inside. I have life again growing in my womb. But, I am scared, my womb proved to be a deadly tomb for Ethan. My body killed Ethan. I don't want it to happen again, actually that is an understatement I am begging my body, the universe, God to stop it from happening again. I am approaching 22 weeks this weekend, just 10 weeks before my world came crashing down on me last time. It is a constant countdown, 16-15 more weeks before I can be induced. But, will I make it? And Ethan's birthday is quickly approaching, May 23rd. It will be one year since I said Hello and Goodbye to Ethan. One year since I met him, held him, marveled at his beautiful face, his beautiful nose, his head full of black curls. There are times when I want to go back to that day, just to be able to hold him again. I wish I could go back to that day to take a picture of his feet, I saw them and I have footprints of his feet, but I never took a picture of his toes, his tiny feet.

The other day, I was able to talk about Ethan's birth without crying. I found myself wanting to tell Ethan's birth story. Someone made a comment about my pain tolerance and this impending birth and I stopped her in her tracks and reminded her that I have been through labor before. I labored to bring Ethan into this world, yes he was born, silently he was born into my awaiting arms. I've been through it before. I had given birth. Although, I didn't push him out, no he was taken from my womb, just the same way he was taken from us.

Why does it keep happening?

2009-03-16T10:59:00.005-04:00

I get a call from my Mom yesterday, she told me my cousins wife delivered their son, he was stillborn. She was 36 weeks pregnant, uneventful pregnancy. She did not feel him move and went in to get checked and he had died. It was a cord accident. WHY????

We are first cousins, shouldn't they somehow be protected with statistics since it happened to me already. Of course not. We've all been there, the wrong side of the statistics. I hate when another baby dies. I wish Ethan would've been the last baby to die this way. It's horrible, and it happens all too frequently.

And what is the medical community doing about this? NOTHING. Every doctor I have spoken to, with a few exceptions, make it sound as if stillbirth is a thing of the past that happens sporadically. And I hate the phrase, "It was a fluke".

I just can't believe it. Our family has been struck again. Why???

I also had a mini freakout Saturday. She was moving... a lot. It scared me, it took me back to night before Ethan died. I checked her heartbeat and she was thumping nicely in the 150s. But, all the movement, it flooded my body with emotions I haven't felt recently. The grief came pouring in. Followed by the guilt. Could I have done something about it. Maybe if I had a doppler then, could I have detected a change in heart rate.

As if that wasn't enough, I thought what if all the doppler hearings are forcing her to move in such a way to get her cord tangled up into a true knot. Am I causing a true knot now? I was a mess. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of losing another baby. I don't know if I will survive. Then I think of little Jason, what will it do to him if this happens again. What will it do to my family?

Approaching 20 weeks...

2009-03-14T17:02:00.003-04:00

And I am starting to get scared shitless. Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks, over the half way mark for me. I'm excited, yet extremely terrified of this baby dying. Although I have allowed myself to name this baby. My thought is, if something happens, I will need to name the baby anyway. I'm always afraid of testing fate again. I don't dare look at the baby aisle, on occasion I will browse online at baby stuff and then I jump back and think to myself I am getting way ahead of myself.

However, I am definitely looking very pregnant these days. I do marvel at my changing body once again, but only in private. Yet, now strangers are asking the ever present, question "Is this your first?" They all mean well I'm sure. But it stings so much, on the one hand, we have Jason. He's 6 years old, not biologically ours, but there is just no difference. Second, no this is not my first pregnancy, I also have a son, Ethan. Such a simple question, yet it elicits so many emotions.

As far as the pregnancy, all seems to be relatively well. I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. But, it is diet controlled and I'm doing pretty well. Dr. J wanted to test me early since I had GD last time. My hypertension is under control. Even at 32 weeks pregnant with Ethan, I was running systolic blood pressures in the one teens. I haven't gained much weight this time around, only 5 lbs. I attribute it to my diabetic diet. NO FUN :( But, overall all seems well.

We had our 18 week extensive ultrasound, and all looks well. 4 chamber heart, 2 kidneys, 10 toes and 10 fingers. And the baby weighs 9 ounces already. My parents came to visit the night before to accompany us to the ultrasound. It meant so much to me. The night before, my Dad bought a dozen roses and gave them to me. He said they were not for me but for his GRANDDAUGHTER ! Well, he was absolutely right. We are having a GIRL!!! We have decided to name our little girl,
Lauren Daniella. Daniella after my Dad.

Quick update

2009-02-20T10:00:00.002-05:00

Well, I just returned from my OB's office. I completed the 1 hour glucose tolerance test. And I received the results of my repeat antibodies test. They are still present, still nonspecific and my Dr's partner assured me they checked for all of the antibodies which could possible affect the baby and they are not there. YAY!!!!! She said sometimes they are transient antibodies and mean nothing to a pregnancy. She reassured me and told me not to worry. They will repeat the test at 28 weeks.

I'm relieved! Now I'm off to my scheduled massage appointment.

Please grant me serenity...

2009-02-13T21:09:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, Jason is sick. I think he has the flu, it's definitely going around. I would rather see him jumping off the sofa then sleeping all day. We're on day 2, I hope he gets better soon.

On to other news, I am now a few days from being 16 weeks pregnant. We just recently told my parents the news and it's out at work as well. I had my OB appt. today. The heart rate was 160, I've gained 3lbs and all seemed to be going well. Then my OB told me my blood test revealed positive antibodies. It caught me off guard. Antibodies. WTF? She went on to explain that I have antibodies present on my red blood cells but not in sufficient quantity to be able to determine what specific antigen they are reacting to. She said at this point, the baby is fine. But she went ahead and we had a redrawn done. It took me a while to absorb all of this information. On the drive home, I realized that if she said the baby is fine RIGHT NOW, that could change if I continue to have these antibodies. I am Rh positive, and so is my husband. So there is no way the baby could be Rh negative. So, what else could it be. Then I googled it, and there is so many different antibodies. I had a mini freakout, but had to stop to take care of Jason.

So, for now. I am going to cross my fingers and pray that the repeat blood draw doesn't reveal anymore antibodies. It's so frustrating, just when I began to actually allow myself to feel hope. This happens. Although, Dr. J didn't seem to concerned. She said sometimes the blood work will reveal these antibodies and they mean nothing. I hope this is the case.

Cautiously optimistic

2009-01-22T08:39:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been around, reading all of your blogs, basking in the happiness of fellow bloggers whom have just had their healthy babies. Congratulations! I am so happy on the arrival of your little bundle of joys. It gives me HOPE. Again, Congratulations!!!

And of course, I'm walking along with you, walking through the journey of infertility, injections, IUIs and IVF. I hold you all dear and close to my heart. Wishing you well, sending baby dust your way.

My pregnancy is going well so far. I am now 12ish weeks pregnant, past the "safety" mark. Is it ever safe? No, I think not, but I will pretend it is. I need to be in oblivion again. Only, I can't, I've traveled through that treacherous path before, I know there is never a safe time in pregnancy.

I had my first OB appointment last week. It went as well as could be expected. Of course, being there brought back all the painful memories of discovering that Ethan had died. But, I survived. I made it through the appointment without crying the entire time. Since it was my first appointment, I first met with the nurse, Michelle, she was great. She initially put me in the room where we could not hear his heartbeat, and I just lost it. She moved us into another room immediately, she was sympathetic and didn't make me repeat my whole history. That, in itself, is also very painful. Finally, I met with Dr. J, I just love her. She was elated to have us there. As was I, I can't imagine anybody else treating us. We heard the baby's heartbeat. I love that sound.

Which brings me to my confession, I bought a fetal doppler and absolutely love it. I am officially addicted to it. I am listening to the baby, first thing in the morning and before I go to bed. Wow. I just love it.

Back to my appointment, we did talk about the whole course of action for the pregnancy and she said most likely I would deliver early. She suggested maybe 36-37 weeks, depending on an amnio to determine lung maturity. But, no longer than 39 weeks. I have predisposing factors which can contribute to poor placental function. I have hypertension and lupus anticoagulant. She also said I'd have weekly ultrasounds and biweekly stress test and biophysical profiles. So, there you have it. I'm OK with this, I would feel better. At the end, I just want to hold a live baby in my arms.

This Friday I have my next appointment with the MFM doctor. Where I have elected to have the first trimester screening. I'm excited, and of course cautiously optimistic. I didn't do any of these test with Ethan, but I opted to have it just to get the detailed ultrasounds early on. Of course, they measure the nuchal fold. But, I know for sure, I will not do an amnio or CVS. If there is a risk of miscarrying, I will not take that chance. I've been on the other side of the statistics and don't want to be there again.

Now, I just have to visualize the ultrasound machine. I have to remember to breathe. I think I will need to have a pedicure or massage before the appointment. Just thinking of the ultrasound, I get panicked. I go back to May 21st, when it was confirmed that Ethan died. But, I will get through this, I will do it. I can do this. I have no choice.

Nightmares...when will they stop

2009-01-05T12:10:00.003-05:00

I'm in my fertility doctor's office, I just had an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, then suddenly I begin to have pelvic pain. I tell the nurse, the doctor comes in, tells me I have to go to the hospital. She walks me over, I look down, blood dripping down my leg. I am miscarrying, they ask me when was the last time I ate. I'm crying, thinking not another loss. I'm trying to reach my husband, I can't seem to find my cell phone. I'm walking through the hospital corridor, people are starring. Starring at the mess walking in front of them. I sit in a hospital chair, while the registration people get me registered. They give me another blanket, I'm cold. Kim, my fertility doctor's nurse, tells me she will buy me lunch when all of this is over. I ask if they will test for chromosome problems and she assures me they will. I'm asking why, why did it happen, I had just seen the heartbeat. Now, I feel something. It's between my legs, it's the sac carrying my baby.

The phone is ringing, I'm still dreaming. I finally manage to wake up. It's a familiar number, I think. I just missed it, went to voicemail. Yes, I'm wide awake now. I look down, no blood, it was just a dream. I call my voicemail, and to my surprise it's Dr. J. My OB, she's left me a message. She tells me she was so happy to find my chart on her desk upon her arrival from vacation. She's calling to tell me how excited and happy she is for me, and how she knows this will be very scary but we will get through it together. Her voice is full of glee and optimism.

That was the best wake up call I've ever had. A good way to bring me back to reality, to drag me out of that hellish nightmare.

New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T10:20:00.002-05:00

Good bye 2008. What a year, I remember last NYE, I was pregnant, over the 12 week safety mark. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of our baby.

Yet, even though Ethan was born still, I say good bye to 2008 with a heavy heart. 2008 was supposed to be our year, our year to welcome our baby. Jason was finally going to be a big brother. In ways I can't articulate well enough, I am sad today. I feel as though time is passing by and leaving my baby Ethan behind. Sometimes, I just want to go back to May 23rd 2008. To the day he was born. Because even if he wasn't breathing, I had him in my arms. I remember that day as being the saddest day and happiest day of my life. I finally got to meet my baby Ethan. I marveled at his beautiful face. His tiny ears folded over, just like my nephew Vinnie. And here we are saying goodbye to 2008 and it feels as if though we are in a sense saying goodbye to Ethan. But, I know in my heart, I will never ever be able to let go of my Ethan.

I wish all of you a peaceful entry to 2009. May we all have peace in our hearts tonight. Be safe. You are all always in my thoughts. Every time I hear one of your baby's names, I think of you all. Peace be with all of you tonight.

Third pregnancy

2008-12-18T16:40:00.004-05:00

I've been pondering this for a while. This is my third pregnancy, yes I was pregnant before back in 1994. I didn't know it at the time, I was in college and just remember having very sore breasts. I sorta thought, maybe, but I already knew I had PCOS. Then one night, while we were getting ready to go out with our friends, I had my now husband, take me to the ER. The pain was intolerable, excruciating. I remember thinking, if this is what labor feels like I don't want to ever have a baby. I thought I was just having one of my really heavy periods and very bad cramps. Actually, I was having a miscarriage.

Hours later, I finally had pain relief. The "products of conception" had been expelled. The pain was gone, and I hate to say this, I was relieved. I was too young back then to have a baby. I thought "it's for the best".

I remember the ER doctor telling me, that it was a good sign that I was able to get pregnant on my own with my PCOS history and that miscarriages were common and most women went on to have normal subsequent pregnancies. But, since then I've often thought of my baby. Was it a boy or girl? Was there a chromosome problem? Of course, I don't think they even tested my baby. But, I wonder. I could have a 14 year old now.

Here I am now, pregnant for the third time and I wonder will I have a baby at the end of this journey? Will it end with a live baby? I hate that I've had 2 previous pregnancies and no living baby at the end of those pregnancies.

Ethan, I miss you more than ever. I wish you were here with us. You're brother has been asking about you quite a bit lately. I know he wishes you were here to celebrate your first Christmas.

We love you!

Neonatal Resuscitation Program

2008-12-13T10:58:00.004-05:00

Thursday I took a class, the NRP, at the women's hospital near where I work. It was one of the hardest classes, not the material, I've been an ED nurse, for some time now. But, the whole thing. Being in a classroom right next to the NICU. Knowing that some babies are in there and are fighting for their lives, thinking of how many babies have died in that NICU. Thinking of their parents, their grief, their loss.

Well, I passed but not with flying colors. I was there as a deadbabymama and not an experienced pediatric ED nurse. I couldn't think, my mind was foggy, I was hit with a large dose of grief, right there during my class. We watched a video going over the main points of NRP, and they talked about end of life care. I wanted to vomit. I could feel myself holding back my tears. This was just too close to home. I've been on the receiving end of that care. I've had the bereavement nurse and chaplain at my bedside. Back in May, the bereavement nurse held my hand and told me what to expect. Because, I was there, pregnant with my deadbaby. I was being induced to deliver my deadbaby. I had no freaking clue what to expect. I had never delivered a baby before, and the event I had been anticipating for months was there, too soon and I was totally unprepared. I had no fucking clue on what was to happen.

Fast forward, the video is over. Now we've moved on to the simulated baby in the NICU. I see them there, the ossilators, the ventilators, the incubators. I almost walked out, luckily the room we were in was separated from the NICU with a partition. We are now being evaluated, we will be given a scenario. It's my turn, my scenario, a full term baby delivered via C section. Mother was at OB's office and no heart beat was heard, she had an emergency C section. I almost couldn't catch my breath, this could've been me. Only my baby didn't have a chance, he was already dead when we had the ultrasound. He died during the night.

Like I said before, I passed but barely. Then there was the written test, one of the questions was how long would you "code" a baby with no heart beat after an emergent C section.
A. 20 minutes
B. 10 minutes
C. 30 minutes
D. 60 minutes

My answer was C. 30 minutes. I was wrong. The correct answer was B. 10 minutes
My brain knows this, but my heart, the heart of a deadbabymama says 30 minutes.

Now, that I've taken this re certification class, I'm good until 2010. And by the way, I almost did vomit, I was going through the motions, drying off my 34 week plastic baby, and I gagged right there. I told the instructor, I had not ate breakfast and had a drink of Coke on an empty stomach. Partly true, the real truth was my grief was ever so consuming.

There is a heartbeat....sigh

2008-12-12T15:18:00.002-05:00

Yes, the heartbeat was there, tiny, but there. Beating away at 120.6 bpm. At first, I couldn't see it. I saw a black hole, it appeared to have nothing in it. My doctor was quiet, I asked is there something there. Then the nurse pointed out the heart, flickering away. Ahhh, a loud sigh came out.

The CRL measurement is 4.7 mm. My cervix looked good. And yes, my left ovary was huge. No wonder, I've been having twinges of pain.

He actually gave me a due date of Aug. 6. I can't even think that far in advance. Will I make it. I pray that I do, that my baby does. PLEASE!

I have one more appointment with him, my exit appointment, then I will move on to my OB and the MFM doctor. And now I'll be taking Lovenox instead of Heparin. Go figure. I don't really care as long as everything turns out OK.

Thanks for ALL of your well wishes and support!

PTSD

2008-12-08T11:30:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, we had a lazy Sunday. I took a long nap, and while I was napping I had a dream. I was in my RE's office for my viability ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Then I was transported back to May 21st, I was in my OB's office and it was happening again. NO HEARTBEAT! I woke up in a panic, in a sweat. I told my husband I'm terrified of having an ultrasound. I'm terrified of not finding a heartbeat.

I had many ultrasounds during my IUI and injectible cycle. Heck, I had them every other day. But, they were safe ultrasounds, looking at my ovaries, looking at my follicles. Not looking for a heartbeat. I'm terrified.

I'm trying to imagine it, walk through the steps in my mind. Then I tell myself if there is no heartbeat, it could still be fine, it just might be too early. Gosh, will I survive this pregnancy? Is it still a pregnancy?

I'm freaking out. Even at work, at times when I pass by the ultrasound rooms I get chills, I have to look away. I think of how I was there on the table, looking at the screen and I couldn't see the heart rate thingy work on the ultrasound machine. I knew then, Ethan had died.

I remember last time with Ethan, we told the key people in our lives that I was pregnant. I think I was barely 5 weeks. Pretty cocky of me, don't you think? I was so naive. I was so sure we would have a baby. And boy was I wrong.

It's Monday, we have our ultrasound Friday. In the meantime, I think I will try to clean the house and even go the gym. The gym helps clear my mind, it centers me. But, wait I really can't run or anything. Well, I will stroll on the treadmill. I need to distract my mind and maybe I need to get a therapist for my ultrasound phobia. I think I'm losing it.

The latest news...

2008-11-28T15:20:00.004-05:00

My initial HCG was 108. Adequate, I think. Of course, I keep comparing with my last pregnancy, with Ethan it was 129.

I have to stop doing this.

Today I had my second HCG and progesterone. HCG 218.5 and progesterone 60.2. It doubled, yay. Still can't call it a BFP, in my mind, I will jinx this pregnancy. I know I'm totally crazy, but I can't celebrate just yet. I don't get it. But, this is how I feel, I'm holding my breath, waiting to exhale a breath of relief. Unfortunately, I know this will not happen until I have a baby in my arms, my baby in my arms.

So, we have our first viability ultrasound Dec. 12th at 1:15. Another wait.

In the meantime, I will just try to take care of myself and try to maintain my "sanity".

Oh yeah, and I have started taking heparin. 2000 units SQ every other day. And still taking my progesterone IM injections. Yay, I'm a pin cushion.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T11:21:00.003-05:00

Today I want to thank all of you in blosphere. Honestly, I don't know what I would've done had I not found this community, this "club". I remember feeling isolated, depressed, desperate. Wanting to find "survivors" of this terrible tragedy. And I did, unfortunately, more than I would've liked. However, by reading your blogs, by hearing your stories, by hearing you talk about your babies, I slowly began to find my way. I was no longer alone. There were people whom had survived and I was learning survival traits.

Today on Thanksgiving Day I want to thank you all. Thank you for your support, thank you for being my "friends" and thank you for hearing my story.

And of course, I'm thankful that I was able to get pregnant with Ethan. Up until then, I thought pregnancy was something for others, not an infertile like me. He restored my faith that I was able to get pregnant. I'm happy I was able to hold my baby in my arms, to see his beautiful face, to see how he had both my physical traits and my husband's. I'm thankful for all of his kicks, his movement in my womb. This of course, makes me miss him more. Today he should be here. Awaiting for the arrival of grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Ethan I'm thankful that I was able to meet you, and I'm thankful that even if you're not here physically present you will forever be present in my heart. I love you Ethan Andrew!

14 dpo

2008-11-26T07:26:00.002-05:00

I took another pregnancy test Monday, BFN. It was 12 dpo.

This morning, I have one stick left. I wake up and think what the heck, next time I'll start off with a new pack. I take the test. In between sleepy eyes, I look down at it. My husband is in the shower, I show it to him. Yes, a faint second line.

I got a positive home pregnancy test.

One day at a time, or one hour at a time. I can't even bring myself to call it a BFP, not yet. I'm off to get my beta HCG level drawn.

Wish me luck.

10 dpo

2008-11-22T06:22:00.003-05:00

It's 6:22am, I've been up now for 25 min. I woke up this morning thinking "maybe it will be positive". Who did I think I was? Seriously. No, not me. Of course, it wouldn't happen, things like this just don't happen to me.

Warning: SELF PITY PARTY IN PROGRESS

I tested with first morning urine and of course, it was a BFN.

My flicker of light has just been turned off.

We don't have the money for another cycle, we don't have insurance coverage, I'm turning 36 years old next month. It sucks.

And tomorrow is Ethan's 6 month anniversary. 6 months that my precious baby was born still. We were so close. I could almost feel him, I thought we were in the home stretch. Fool. I'm such a fool. I wish I could go back to that day, if nothing else, to have him in my arms. My arms ache for him. I want to feel him, I want to cry my eyes out without stupid people telling me "he's in a better place". I want to hold him all day.

I miss you Ethan. I love you so much. You will forever be in my heart.

What did you do?

2008-11-20T07:27:00.002-05:00

Last night, I took a pregnancy test. I reasoned that it would be too early to test but if I got a negative then I know the HCG is out of my body. I took the HCG trigger shot Monday November 10th. The test was negative. Exactly what I was hoping for, at least for now.

So, now I've established there is no extraneous HCG in my blood and I plan to cheat and test Sunday or Monday. I'm scheduled for my beta HCG level on Wednesday, before Thanksgiving.

This wait is pure torture.

I did get my P4 level yesterday and it was very good 44.78. After I heard the message from my REs office, of course I started to google it. Well, it is a good P4 level and I found one study that looked to see if there was an association between high P4 levels and pregnancy rates. And they found it not to be statistically significant. Oh well, I guess I'm not the only one to think there might be. So, after my high from my elevated P4 level I crashed with the realization that this might not be the case. I might not be pregnant, it didn't work. And because of our financial situation right now we will have to postpone. And postponing is not really that great of an idea because next month I turn 36 years old.

You get the picture, it's a downright spiral. For the meantime, I will try to relax and hope this week zooms by.

In the midst of all of the fertility stuff, I miss Ethan more than ever. I want him to know that I am not trying to replace him. I feel guilty sometimes for TTC again. Then I get angry and hate that we are trying again. I shouldn't be trying so soon, if he was here. But, he isn't. My dim reality.

Sorry guys, I know this post is all over the place. Welcome to my fertility roller coaster.

Seriously???

2008-11-17T10:54:00.003-05:00

I worked yesterday, we have to work every 3rd weekend. Yesterday I get to work and one of the night shift nurses approaches me and asks me if I ever want to leave early for me to give her a call. She's used to working tons of OT and lately we are well staffed and the OT is almost nonexistent. So, I began to tell her that yes I would love for her to come in early for me (working 12 hours shifts) then my "friend" interrupts our conversation and asks her to come in early for her, because her husband is going out of town and he needs to pack, etc...

I let it go, I think to myself, I shouldn't be leaving early anyway with all of the infertility bills and all. So, I go on with my day. Then the charge nurse asks if I would like to stay til 10pm because we are now short 2 nurses . On a Sunday evening, that can be very risky, we tend to get very busy in the Pediatric ED after all the Sunday football games are over. So, I consider it, thinking maybe I could stay. After all, we do need a little extra money to cover our expenses. I call my husband and he tells me it's up to me, to go ahead if I'm up to working 15 hours. I contemplate and I agree.

Immediately, after I hang up the phone my "friend" responds, "I can't stay til 10pm because I have a baby at home". Now she didn't tell our charge nurse, no she said it directly to me. And this after, complaining about how little sleep she got and how he's up all night because he is now teething. I would do anything to be sleep deprived with Ethan. Anything.

I respond, "Well, unfortunately I don't have my baby at home, I don't have living a baby". My tone was flat, matter of fact. Melancholic.

She looks at me and pats my leg and says, "That's not what I meant, I'm sorry".

Seriously, she was at Ethan's mass. She was one of the readers of the liturgy. Seriously. Has she already forgotten that we were pregnant together, only she was able to bring her baby home in April, I gave birth to my baby and buried my sweet baby, Ethan, in May. Only 1 month later, my world shattered. It's still shattered, I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. Some days I do better than others, other days I don't know how I make it through.

She doesn't get it. And she may never get it. I hope she never has to go through what I did. But, for my own sanity, I will distance myself from her. I'm happy at least, I did say something, at first it just came out. Automatic. Not out of anger or rage, no that came later. Once I processed the whole thing, then I thought the audacity of her. She's notorious for walking through the ER and saying "Look isn't he beautiful" and insist that I stare at this perfect, little, living creation that is in our emergency department because of diarrhea or some other ailment. I will acknowledge and all but I will not go over and coo over something that causes me so much pain. Why is it so hard to get? Why?

The deposit has been made...

2008-11-13T09:54:00.003-05:00

Well, this is how my husband refers to our IUI. We went ahead with the IUI yesterday. Now we must wait for 2 looonggg weeks before we find out if we're pregnant.

Ah yes, how could I forget. And we are now doing the progesterone IM injections. But, I don't care, stick me with all the needles in the world as long as I get pregnant.

So, today I'm off to have a nice relaxing lunch with my DH. We are having restaurant at a new restaurant in town. Gosh I hope it all works out. In the meantime, I'll just try to relax and pray that it works.

Green light...GO!

2008-11-10T12:18:00.003-05:00

Yay! I got the green light, we will do our HCG injection tonight and our IUI Wednesday morning. It feels so good. I have 1 mature follicle and 2 follies measuring 16 mm.

I went to Costco's to buy pregnancy tests. Yes, I am a total freak and don't have the patience to wait for our bloodwork. So, I think I will test 9 days after our IUI. I did it last time. We'll see. Please, keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for me.

Ethan ,
Baby, I miss you. We are trying to have another baby, hopefully we will be successful and you will get to be a big brother along with your brother Jason. Doing all of this, the injections, the ultrasounds, all of it reminds me of you. I remember last year, I only had 1 follicle and guess what pumpkin? That was you! You were Mommy's little miracle baby. I was so proud to tell that story and I still am. I love you so much my little angel. I miss you!

CD 15

2008-11-10T07:29:00.002-05:00

I am so over this cycle. I had 4 follies Saturday when I went in for my follicle scan. It's been a rough one this time, our insurance isn't helping any either. We don't have coverage for the IUI or the follie scan, but we do get coverage for the medications. I'm glad about this, but on Saturday after my RE increased my dose to 300 iu of Menopur we had to rush to the pharmacy and my insurance made us jump through hoops. At the end, we ended up paying for the medication on our own. Apparently, now my insurance needs preauthorization to fill this rx and so on. So, $325 later we drive home with our 5 vials of Menopur.

I hope today we get the greenlight to go forward with the HCG shot and then we can do our IUI on Wednesday. I hope it works. I keep telling myself we only need one mature follicle. I got pregnant with Ethan with 1 follicle.

On a side note, we have finally begun to move forward with picking out a headstone for Ethan. We've delayed it for a bit, almost 6 months now. November 23rd will be his 6 month anniversary. It was something I couldn't bring myself to do initially. I feel as if it's the last thing we will do for him, it's the finality. I wanted to delay it for as long as I could. Also, I didn't just want to put any ole headstone there for him. It's a sacred place for us, and we must chose wisely.

Infertility, injections, ultrasounds, blood work, etc...

2008-11-04T10:38:00.003-05:00

Updates:

We went and met with the MFM doctor. The genetic counselor was great. Very attentive, caring and most importantly she listened. The doctor was good. She was patient and answered all of my questions about a subsequent pregnancy.

There is just one thing, she said it was a "fluke" accident and highly unlikely to happen again. Strike one.

Then she referred to Ethan's death as "fetal demise". I quickly corrected her and stated his name was ETHAN. Strike two. I know the medical term is accurate. But, to a grieving Mom this medical term is very impersonal, and sterile. My son would've had a great chance for survival if he would've been born alive. He was a fully formed baby.

There is no strike three. So, we'll see what happens and will decide whether to consult with her if and when I become pregnant (fingers crossed).

This takes me to my second update. Yes, we have begun the fertility treatments again. I am currently on CD 9. I had my ultrasound yesterday and I had 4 follicles. So, my RE has increased my dose to 150 IU of Menopur. I hope they grow. I remember with Ethan I only had 1 mature follicle and that turned out to be my beautiful baby boy. So, I was a bit down because 4 follies is not very good and also my E2 was only 74. Up from 24 on CD 3. I have to remember all I need is 1 follicle. I hope this works. Please keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us. We return Thursday to see how my follies and lining are doing.

I was also informed by my fertility doctor that I will have to be on heparin if I get pregnant. Apparently, I have lupus anticoagulant present. This puts me at a higher risk for clotting. I also have one copy of the MTFHR gene mutation. I'm OK with this, I would rather know this now than later. I will do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy pregnancy and at the end hold a living baby in my arms. More shots, sure bring them on.

Also, I am not telling anyone about our TTC journey this time. I want to keep it to myself. I'm not sure I want other's to think I've "gotten over it". Some people at work think as soon as I have or begin trying that I'm all better. I'm not, I miss my baby more than ever. I will never be over it, and even if I have 10 more babies after Ethan it will never replace him. I will always be a Mommy to a baby boy that died. I don't cry as easily anymore. I've noticed I try to control it a bit more. Actually, I can control it. Especially at work. But, also this TTC journey is harder, there are times I don't even know if I can go through this again.

And finally, we had a wonderful time in California. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect. Disney and Universal Studios were great. And of course, we went to the beach. We were in Malibu and we actually saw a couple pairs of dolphins swimming pretty close to the shoreline. It was beautiful. I will post some pictures, if I figure out how to do it. And Jason picked up some rocks for Ethan. He started this right after Ethan died. He will collect rocks and write Ethan's name on it and take it to his grave. We have a whole vase filled with rocks and messages for Ethan. At one point he said, "Mommy, Ethan would've had fun with us if he were here".

Missing you Always, Ethan. We love you!

"El dia de los Muertos"

2008-11-02T10:38:00.007-05:00

The day of the dead.

Being of Mexican descent, I am well familiar with this holiday. As a child, I don't remember celebrating it all that much, unless we were in Mexico. Sometimes our customs are washed away in an effort to assimilate into American culture. But, now as an adult, I really want to embrace this holiday, this day of celebration. After all it is a day of celebration, a celebration of life. It is a day of remembrance. A day to remember those who have died.

Last year, we went to the Arts Center here in town. There is an annual celebration, filled with exhibits, altars, crafts for the kids. We were there last year. And the year before, we were in Mexico during this time. Lil Jason was able to participate in all of the festivities. It's as though we were being primed for our own day of the dead. I've exposed him to death from the beginning. I never sugar coated death, I never told him the all too common phrases to describe death. I have no regrets about this. Death, the word in in itself is not a dirty word yet in this culture, we often find other terms to describe it. As if doing so, will make the pain less.

I've taken him to cemeteries, to visit our family. His great grandparents are buried in a beautiful, serene, quaint cemetery in Mexico. At times, I've asked myself if all this "death exposure" is healthy for him. I've concluded, it is. Death is a part of life. Death surrounds us. We can't escape it. We can try to pretend it will not happen, but I don't want this for him. I want him to know yes it happens, and yes it will happen again in our family. And yes, we continue to live. And we actually do survive. Death and life are intertwined. By confronting death we can learn to live and value life. Life is fragile, and by recognizing this we can learn to see the beauty of life.

The grief, the agonizing pain. It is still here, it is more controllable, but is still here. Quietly awaiting it's unleashing.

I went to Mass with Jason on Friday, 10/31. And when I looked over to the right of the altar there was a cloth scroll hanging from the wall, it had all of the names of the deceased for our parish this year. Ethan's name was there. I immediately felt that familiar pain. The sorrow, the grief. The scroll read, We remember in Prayer. It hurt, but it also was comforting to know that I am not the only one remembering my precious baby. Our pastor said that 7 of the 32 names on the scroll are of babies and stillborn babies. 7. It should not be.

Ethan should be here. Alive and kicking right now. But he's not, he's dead. He's buried in a cemetery.

I miss you so much Ethan. There are no words to describe it. Oh the agonizing pain. How can anyone go on living after their baby has died?

However, today I will remember, I will celebrate his life. He was alive for 32 wonderful weeks. He kicked, he moved, he reacted to my voice, to my touch. He reacted to music. He would move all over whenever I played Jennifer Lopez or my favorite Mexican singer, Juan Gabriel. He was alive. And I will remember and celebrate his life. He has touched my life and the life of many during his time here.

Ethan, Mommy misses you so much and I love you with all of my heart and being. We love you so much. Your big brother asks about you constantly. You are alive in our hearts. Sweet baby boy, Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We want to thank you for coming into our lives, even if it was only for a brief moment. The time we had with you, we will cherish forever.

California...Here we come!!!

2008-10-21T11:09:00.002-04:00

Yes, we are leaving for California tomorrow. We are taking our 6 year old to Disneyland and Universal Studios. Vacation, yay. We decided to do Disney during his fall break. Spring break is usually a very busy time in the hospital where I work, and trying to get time off during this time is almost close to impossible.

I was pregnant this past spring break and promised Jason we would take him somewhere for his spring break next year. I remember telling him, "We'll take you and your brother to Disney."

Right after Ethan died, Jason asked, "Mommy are you still going to take me to Disney?"

Me: "Of course, Jason, why do you ask?"

Jason: "Because when you were pregnant, you said you would take me and the baby, but now that Ethan has died are you still taking me?"

So, yes we're off to California. Ethan is not here anymore. But he will be with us, in our hearts, while we are in Disney. Now and forever.

"The Mecca"

2008-10-12T10:16:00.004-04:00

I have an appointment tomorrow with a maternal fetal medicine physician. I'm excited, I want to be proactive with my next pregnancy. Not that I wasn't with Ethan, but this time, I want a physician who will not overlook anything.

When I got pregnant with Ethan, my fertility doctor released me to a high risk doctor. He recommended one of the doctors at the University high risk practice, his wife delivered with one of the doctors. So, I went there, feeling confident. I arrived and it was not what I expected. It was a very busy practice, it's at one of the teaching hospitals. I should've ran as fast as I could when I arrived, but I didn't. I waited forever to see someone, finally I meet with the nurse who does an extensive history and then tells me to make another appointment to actually meet Dr. Y, I was supposed to see Dr. X. I tell her this and she assures me that maybe next time I can switch to see Dr. X. But, she doesn't have any openings. She proceeds to tell me that over the course of my pregnancy I will see various doctors but Dr. X will be my primary MD.

Fine, I stay I make another appointment. I make it to my next appointment. Dr. Y walks in to my room, she's very soft spoken, meek, nice enough doctor. Again, I repeat my history and stress that this was a much anticipated pregnancy, a miracle baby for me. When we did IUI, I only had 1 mature follicle, and I thought it wasn't going to work. Only 1 follicle, well it turns out that's all I needed. And that 1 follicle ended up being my precious Ethan. She assures me she will do everything in her power to help me maintain a healthy pregnancy. She proceeds to do her exam (for a small woman she's kinda rough) and obtain my history, after a 2 hour or so appointment I leave there feeling confident. I am after all at the "mecca" of high risk pregnancies, and they got in under control. I will continue to take my blood pressure medications and so forth and they will do their job and monitor my precious, miracle baby.

Fast forward a couple months, all is going well, I'm still frustrated when I go there because it takes so long for me to actually get into my appointment. I arrive early every single time but still have to wait forever until I'm actually seen. But, I don't want to come off as pushy so I say nothing. After all, I'm pregnant nothing else matters. I've made it past the much awaited 12 weeks, I'm walking on clouds.

I have my first ultrasound there, I had a couple ultrasounds with my fertility doctor. All appears well, the subchorionic hematoma that was present at first is now gone, reabsorbed. I am told I can now exercise moderately to help control my weight, I have hypertension so weight control is an important measure to ward off preeclampsia. I'm at higher risk for preeclampsia since I have preexisting hypertension. But can you believe it my blood pressure is better than ever. Perfect. All seems to be well.

My pregnancy is progressing nicely. Week 29, I fail my glucose tolerance testing. I get a call from the clinic. I'm told to meet with a dietitian, I do as I'm told. Follow my diet, check my glucose 4 x a day. All is well. I have an appointment with my doctor, I go in, I have an ultrasound at 30 weeks. They are concerned about IUGR since I have hypertension. All appears to be well. They send me over to the clinic again, I wait almost 3-4 hours to be seen. This is really starting to piss me off. WTF. But, then I remember I'm pregnant, I shrug it off.

The door opens, it's Dr. G. What an ASSHOLE!!!!

The first thing out of his mouth is, "What are you going to do for birth control after this baby?". I go on to explain that this isn't really a problem for me since I have infertility issues. He checks the baby's heart rate tells me all is well. My blood pressure is under control, and tells me Dr. Y, whom by now I've become comfortable with, is no longer practicing. She was also pregnant, and had to deliver early. My appointment last maybe 5-10min. I realize, he didn't mention anything about the ultrasound I just had, or what the plan would be for the rest of my pregnancy. Nothing about non stress testing, nothing, zippo! Now, mind you I now have gestational diabetes and preexisting hypertension. As I'm walking out, one of the nurses tells me I have gestational diabetes I tell her I know, I've been to the diabetic teaching and I am testing as instructed. She is the 3rd person to tell me I have gestational diabetes. I want to scream, "Aren't you guys reading my chart, who the hell is following my pregnancy". Now I'm really pissed, and I have to go through this for the rest of my pregnancy.

I call my husband and tell him the latest. We agree to switch back to my regular OB whom I've known forever. I call her and she agrees to treat me, she also takes care of high risk pregnancies. We finally switch at 32 weeks. My first appointment with her is May 20th, the last day I heard my baby's heartbeat.

We have left the clinic, the mecca of high risk pregnancies, or so we thought. We are so happy, we're almost there at the finish line. Dr. J is wonderful, gentle and her staff is great. She tells me that she will begin NST twice a week. I question why I need this and she tells me even though all is well, she wants to make sure it really is. After all, I do have hypertension and now gestational diabetes, she also tells me she will see me weekly and by 34 weeks twice a week and she will repeat an ultrasound then. She also tells me she will not let me go beyond 39 weeks.

May 20th was the last day I felt Ethan. I remember it so vividly. I came home, happy I was finally getting the care I needed. I put Jason to bed then curl up and begin to read all of the handouts I just received at Dr. J's office. As I look at the pamphlets I run across one for pregnancy pictures. I write down the number, I'm thinking I will do this soon. After all, this might be my only pregnancy. I'm eating strawberries and fruit dip, it's my bedtime snack. I feel Ethan move, boy is he moving. I contemplate video recording my belly as it ripples because of his movement. But, I don't. Our camera needs charging. I sit in bed, and attempt to listen to his heart rate with my stethoscope but he kicks it. I get the hint and leave him alone. I go to bed, happy, thinking "Wow, this is really happening, we are having a baby".

Ethan died that night. This I know for sure.

I wish I would've known about hyperactivity being a warning sign. I'm a nurse, why didn't I know this. I live with this everyday.

I do have a list of questions to ask her, the maternal fetal medicine physician. One of my coworkers, works as a L&D nurse and she recommended her. She told me she's very conservative and thorough. When I called to make my appointment, her receptionist appeared to be genuinely concerned and professional. She explained what would take place during the first visit. She encouraged me to bring a list of questions.

I also had tons of blood work done per my fertility doctor's request. We had an appointment with him last week. He is checking different labs to check for blood clotting problems. He agreed to begin a cycle of injectibles in November. We are going to do Menopur and IUI. I hope it works.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2008-10-06T07:57:00.003-04:00

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated.

Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still. Lobby your Congressional Representatives to get this bill passed! The government funds research on breast cancer, heart disease, AIDS - why not the death of babies?

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.

Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and nicely ask them to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community. Email friends and family to inform them about this bill and to ask them to honor your baby by participating in the world-wide October 15th Wave of Light.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

Ask your readers to lobby Congress to pass this research bill.

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results for "October 15th" or "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day".

The MISS Foundation
International Day of Remembrance
Bill H.R.5979
Stillbirth Research

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008

2008-10-05T19:26:00.006-04:00

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.

This is from Ya Chun's blog (serenityjoy.blogspot.com).
You can use my letter as a template or write your own, better note. It sure would be swell to get this HR 5979 passed by this year:

Dear ,

I am writing to ask you to help get HR 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008 through the Committee and passed before the end of this year. ***The longer that Bill 5979 takes to pass, the more children that will die needlessly.***

This bill will legislate the standardized tracking of stillbirth data. This data can then be used to research and attempt to understand why seemingly healthy pregnancies suddenly end tragically. I held my child, a fully formed baby who died in my womb. Neither the doctors nor the autopsy can not explain why or how this happened. A unified reporting system throughout the country can help to track these deaths, in the same way that other deaths are tracked.

Please do everything in your power to get HR. 5979 through Congress. And please think of us, the grieving families around the world, on October 15th, the International Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Day of Remembrance.
Sincerely,

One more time

2008-10-03T09:54:00.003-04:00

Well, we've decided to try to conceive once again. My 36th birthday is quickly approaching. We need to do this again. I have to muster all the courage and go forward with another round of injectibles and IUI. We have an appointment with our wonderful RE this coming Monday, Oct. 6. I'm excited and nervous. I will walk into his office and remember the last time I was there, I was pregnant with Ethan. I remember seeing him for the first time there, in that office. I was 6 weeks pregnant and I saw him, my little peanut with a wonderful heart rate of 181. Amazing how I remember every single heart rate reading we ever received.

My RE will be changing offices soon, his practice has really expanded and he's moving to a new location. I wish it was ready so I wouldn't have to go there again. It's very painful.

But, we must go forward with another cycle and have faith that one day I will deliver a LIVE baby. I have to try to do this again, for me, for my husband and for both of my sons living and in heaven. My six year old son is mortified of the thought of me being pregnant again, no we don't discuss this with him.

During the summer, we were getting ready to go the gym and my shirt was a bit tight and he looked at me and asked, "Mommy are you pregnant?", I was shocked to hear him ask this. I replied, "No, I'm not. Do you want Mommy to be pregnant again?" and his answer, "NO! I don't want another baby to die". It broke my heart again. My sweet pumpkin, I don't want another baby to die either. But, most of all I want you to know that not all babies die.

He's wonderful, full of energy and full of questions. Every time we see a pregnant woman he will hold my hand and look at me. I smile and tell him, "Jason, it's fine. Say a little prayer for her and her baby". He's very intuitive.

The plan: BCP this month to suppress the cysts, I have PCOS. I hope to begin the injectibles in November. In the meantime, I'm trying to lose weight and exercise. I did begin exercising in the summer. It was my way of coping. I'd get on the elliptical and cry and cry. I'm sure the people there thought I was nuts. And actually I was, I was crazy with grief.

I also made an appointment with a high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. I'm not using the high risk practice I went to when I was pregnant with Ethan. That's a whole different post. Overall, I'm excited and of course very nervous. I forgot to mention, if we do manage to get a BFP we plan on consulting with Dr. Jason Collins in Louisiana. He has studied umbilical cord accidents. I spoke with another Mom who went to him and she swears by his practice. I'd be interested to know, anybody else out there that has went to him?

Discovery Health's "Birth Day"

2008-09-18T15:42:00.003-04:00

Being a nurse, I love watching Discovery Health and especially the delivery shows, they're graphic and are representative of what really happens in hospitals. When I was pregnant with Ethan I often watched "Birth Day", "Special Delivery" and similar shows with excitement, anticipation and sometimes apprehension. After my precious baby died, I could not bear to watch them anymore. I went through my DVR and deleted the series recordings for many of these shows. I just couldn't do it.

A while ago, while reading the episode preview, I saw the episode was about a subsequent pregnancy after a stillbirth. I didn't watch it. I could not at the time. But, since then I've been reading all of the descriptions to see if they will replay it. They haven't, but I did DVR an episode about "Advanced Maternal age and complications". Usually, I fast forward through the episode, stopping only to see the "emergency" and forwarding through the rest. Since I am advanced maternal age, I'm 35, I began to watch it. They were profiling a woman, 37 years old, whose first child was born still at 8 months. Immediately, I was hooked. I watched the episode in it's entirety. I couldn't stop watching, I could relate to everything she was feeling with her current pregnancy. I'm not pregnant, but I have so much fear in just the thought of being pregnant again. Her water broke before her scheduled C section, and she went in to the hospital. As they were wheeling her into the OR, she was cautiously excited. Her apprehension was visible, all she was focusing on was whether her baby was still alive. We all know this can quickly change. One minute your pregnant the next your burying your child. Anyway, as they were performing her C section, she was mortified. Her baby was indeed born alive (exhale) ... breathing, crying and doing all of the wonderful things babies do when they're born ALIVE. I was in tears, the mother was in tears, it was a beautiful moment. I was so happy for this woman, whom I've never met, but nonetheless have so much in common with. She's a fellow deadbabymama. And the birth of her health baby was wonderful to watch.

And for the first time since Ethan died, I watched the show without fast forwarding. I think that's a stride in the right direction.

The elephant in the room

2008-09-09T21:14:00.003-04:00

This weekend, as I was channel surfing I watched the commercial for the VMAs. The commercial with Britney Spears and the British comedian, and of course, the huge elephant in the background. I almost cried. No, not for Britney, but for me. Well, actually I do feel sorry for Britney but that's another story.

The elephant in the room, well, that's me at work. I'm the elephant. My pregnant co-worker and the rest of my coworkers, well I'm sure they see me as the elephant. She's now 35 weeks pregnant and she's very big and pregnant. She just had her work baby shower last week and I didn't attend. I couldn't. I did contemplate going, but I just could not. We were pregnant together. We shared many times together, both of us comparing our growing bellies together. Only I buried my baby and she's due in 4 weeks.

The gifts are slowly pouring in, and when I'm there I notice some will try to stash the gifts under the counter. This both angers and annoys me. On one hand, I feel as if I can handle it. But, then if they are talking and gushing about everything baby and pregnancy, I just want to yell, "Shut the hell up, you fucking insensitive assholes". I know, I must sound crazy. But it irritates me to no end.

It's hard to work with her. Her life is perfect, she doesn't have a dead baby. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish any harm on her or her baby. But, she's just so fucking happy. I want to yell at her and tell her, this can happen to you as well. I'm not a freak of nature. Although I feel that way sometimes, infertile and the mother to a stillborn baby. It makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed that my body failed me. That my body killed my baby.

I hate feeling this way. I'm not a hateful person. But, lately, I just want to yell at everyone at work. I want to tell them, that they of all people should understand and know that shit happens to people everyday. I'm a nurse, I see how fragile life is. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Yet, I don't want to be a pessimist. But is it pessimism or realism?

Missing Ethan

2008-09-01T22:29:00.001-04:00

There are just no words to express it. The pain is so much to bear sometimes. I miss my baby. He should've been here right now. I should be rocking him to bed, cradling my sweet baby in my arms, nursing him. All of this, I should've had instead of sitting here writing about how much I miss him. I should be writing about what milestone he's reached or what his poopy diapers look like. Something, anything other than writing about my dead baby.

I've been visiting his grave a lot more lately by myself. At first, we would go as a family, my husband, my son and myself. As of lately, I've been going there by myself. I went there the other day, after dropping off my son at school. I cried, and cried. Actually, it was more like a howl, I was crying from deep inside my soul. I was reaching into that dark, desolate place in my soul. The place where grief and pain reside. I can't do that, all the crying, with our family there. My 6 year old gets really sad when I'm wailing. Which these days is a lot less than what it used to be earlier. But, I feel like I have to restrain myself, my feelings in front of others. But, there in the cemetery. I'm free to cry for my baby that died. There I can cry him a river. It's a small cemetery, quaint and very peaceful.

When I went there the other day after crying for a while, I talked to my baby, my precious son, my Ethan. I apologized for not keeping him safe inside my womb. I apologized to Ethan for thinking about TTC again. I feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant again. I need to try sooner rather than later. I'm 35 years old, I have PCOS. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with injectibles. I need to try again. But I am so scared. Scared of the same thing happening again.
I don't want to replace him and I don't want my friends to think because I am pregnant that it's a sign that "I'm over it." I also feel as time passes, that I'm further away from him than ever before. I know that's not true. He will always be in my heart.

I placed a picture of him on my dresser. It's the first thing I see every morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed. I miss him so much. I LOVE YOU ETHAN!!!

I'm back at work

2008-08-27T22:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I went back to work after being off for 13 weeks. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do on this journey of grief.

It was at work where I found out something was wrong with my precious baby. I had a very busy morning, it was around lunch time that I began to notice that my baby wasn't moving. I thought to myself, "I've been running around I need to sit and eat lunch." So, I did. And NOTHING, no movement, no kicks. Then after a few minutes, I mention it to my coworker who is also pregnant. I work at a hospital, so she borrows the doppler from the Adult ED. We go into an empty room and begin to check for fetal heart tones. I tell her to go first, it's there, thump...thump... 140 beats per minute. Now it's my turn, I lay down on the cart and NOTHING. Then I shift around the cart and again nothing. We have another nurse check with us and nothing. As I was laying there on the cart, it did not occur to me that my baby didn't have a heart beat I thought it was due to our old dopplers. I get up from the cart, I'm relatively calm. I walk into the break room and call my OB, her nurse tells me to come into the office. Gosh, I don't think I can continue. I can't do this right now. It's a painful trip down misery lane.

The point is, going back to work was very hard. My body was flooded with all of these memories. And yes, the pregnant coworker was there, 33 weeks pregnant. Just a week more than I was when Ethan died. I look at her and think, "Did I look that big and happy". I just want to be there. I never got to be there, 33 weeks pregnant. No, my bliss abruptly ended with immense heartache and a dead baby. You never think you're going to be there, here in our situation. But, it happens. Everyday. It. Happens.

This is my story...

2008-08-21T09:04:00.002-04:00

I lost my baby May 23rd, 2008. He died of a cord accident at 32 weeks, double nuchal cord and true knot. He was 4lbs 3 oz, and 18 inches long. He had beautiful black hair, curly just like Mommy's. He had my mouth and eyebrows. My chubby cheeks. His fingers were beautiful and long, he had piano hands. And his nose, unbelievable, the most beautiful nose ever. He is my little angel.

I miss him so much!!!
Sometimes I wonder how I can go on living when my baby has died. I just want to hold him and kiss him and tickle him and play with his little stinky feet. I miss you Ethan!!!