Thursday, December 18, 2008

Third pregnancy

I've been pondering this for a while. This is my third pregnancy, yes I was pregnant before back in 1994. I didn't know it at the time, I was in college and just remember having very sore breasts. I sorta thought, maybe, but I already knew I had PCOS. Then one night, while we were getting ready to go out with our friends, I had my now husband, take me to the ER. The pain was intolerable, excruciating. I remember thinking, if this is what labor feels like I don't want to ever have a baby. I thought I was just having one of my really heavy periods and very bad cramps. Actually, I was having a miscarriage.

Hours later, I finally had pain relief. The "products of conception" had been expelled. The pain was gone, and I hate to say this, I was relieved. I was too young back then to have a baby. I thought "it's for the best".

I remember the ER doctor telling me, that it was a good sign that I was able to get pregnant on my own with my PCOS history and that miscarriages were common and most women went on to have normal subsequent pregnancies. But, since then I've often thought of my baby. Was it a boy or girl? Was there a chromosome problem? Of course, I don't think they even tested my baby. But, I wonder. I could have a 14 year old now.

Here I am now, pregnant for the third time and I wonder will I have a baby at the end of this journey? Will it end with a live baby? I hate that I've had 2 previous pregnancies and no living baby at the end of those pregnancies.

Ethan, I miss you more than ever. I wish you were here with us. You're brother has been asking about you quite a bit lately. I know he wishes you were here to celebrate your first Christmas.

We love you!


Monica H said...

I wish he were there to celebrate with you too.

Lisa DG said...

I am with you. I know it is hard, especially this time of year.

mrsmuelly said...

wow, thank you for sharing this. It is quite hard to believe that we can bring home live babies after losses. I'm walking right along with you.